Theresa May’s Hostile Environment – The Top Ten Ways YOU Can Help

10. ‘Show me your papers!’ Yes, memorise that phrase! If you’re out and about – on your way to Gregg’s say, or Iceland – and you see someone who doesn’t look like they ought to be here, rush up to them and utter those words as sternly as you can. If they look frightened and run away, pat yourself on the back. If they don’t, call the free Home Office Hotline on 0-800-STASI.

9. Stay informed. Keep up to date on who’s welcome in Britain and who’s not by reading the Express, the Mail or the Telegraph. From time to time, you may hear on the BBC that ‘mistakes were made’ or that ‘too much emphasis was put on policy’. You can ignore all that.

8. Organise. Show some community spirit and set up a neighbourhood watch! Every group that catches at least one illegal immigrant will win ‘Make Britain Great Again’ baseball hats for everyone in the group. The group that catches the most will be presented with a special trophy at the Tory Party conference. And remember – if there’s any violence, you can always say you thought they were a burglar.

7. Vote. Don’t bother voting for UKIP any more – the Tories have adopted all their best policies! And remember, Labour only hate the Jews – not the people you’re worried about.

6. Passports. Make sure you apply for your new blue passport as soon as possible. If you still have an old EU one after Brexit, you’ll be classified as a Remainer and will be subject to deportation to Belgium.

5. Children. What if you know someone who doesn’t look very British, but still seems to have all their paperwork in order? Well, think laterally! Do they have children? Do THEY have all the right documents? Get creative!

4. Money. Thanks to EU spite and sabotage, money could be tight after Brexit. But detention centres don’t grow on trees! Consider organising a sponsored run through areas where there are lots of immigrants. Make some noise! Think about carrying flaming torches. You never know who you might flush out. Or find an empty field in Lincolnshire and set up your own concentration camp!

3. Jobs. Somewhere, somehow, there’s a migrant, or someone who doesn’t seem at all British, who has a better job than you. Is that fair? Your mission is to replace them. Who dares wins!

2. Culture. Thanks to Labour, the EU, and political correctness, our culture has been far too welcoming. What’s wrong with traditional British culture, anyway? Write to the TV companies and demand that they immediately start reruns of ‘Love Thy Neighbour’, ‘It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum!’ and ‘The Black-and-White Minstrel Show’.

1. Patriotism. Theresa May needs your help in facing down the Citizens of Nowhere. As you know, they are the ones to blame for everything you don’t like. Now, no one’s saying we need to turn Britain into Nazi Germany – well, not yet, anyway! – but that doesn’t mean that if you see someone reading the Financial Times or The Guardian you shouldn’t give them a dirty look. And as for the New European… Well, enough said. And where’s the harm in asking someone where they’re from if they don’t look British? You’re just taking a friendly, patriotic interest. Remember, the Prime Minister’s goal is to create a Hostile Environment that we can all feel at home in. But that doesn’t mean that being patriotic can’t also be fun! So long as you’re really British, of course.

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Top Ten Tory End-of-the-Pier Acts

Nnarghh! The Conservative Party seems to have devolved into a particularly awful End of the Pier Show. In fact, here are the…
Top Ten Tory End-of-the-Pier Acts:

10. Ventriloquism with Gavin ‘Stupid Boy’ Williamson and his talking spider, Cronus. You can’t see his lips move, except when he’s campaigning for the leadership! Listen with awe and hilarity as Cronus threatens Russia with nukes! Most popular catch-phrase: ‘Shut up and go away!’

9. Character-Comedy Monologues with Jacob ‘The Country Squire You Love to Hate’ Rees-Mogg. Best-loved character: the Member for the Eighteenth Century, with his hilarious pre-Enlightenment views! Tory policy may be a bit of a wasteland, but never mind – he do the police in different voices!

8. Conjuring and Sleight of Hand with Boris ‘Alexander de Bottle’ Johnson. Now you see it, now you don’t! Just like the £350m! Don’t lend him your watch, you’ll never get it back! Favourite trick: sawing Theresa May in half and putting her back together! Second favourite trick: responding ‘robustly’ to Russia. Brilliant at escapology (excluding Iran)! No, don’t boo, he’ll run away!

7. Flying Trapeze Artist, John ‘When Your Back’s to the Wall, Turn Around and Fight’ Major. It’s true that he ran away from the circus to become an accountant, but now he’s back in the ring, swinging high above those Brexit clowns, the Famous Bastard Brothers, and dumping you-know-what on them!

6. Old-Fashioned East End Pugilism with David ‘Fight of the Summer’ Davis. A battle-scarred prize fighter with absolutely no notches on his belt, he’ll go six rounds with all comers! With no preparation whatsoever! And with the predictable results!

5. Mind Reading, Frightful Apparitions and Occult Visions with Phil ‘The Undertaker’ Hammond and his crystal ball. He knows the future! And he knows what you’re thinking! Yes, this Brexit thing is going to end very badly! But do not despair – with his spells and incantations, and a bit of help from the global economy, we might not be totally doomed!

4. Tall Tales from Exotic Lands, illustrated via Magic Lantern, with Intrepid Explorer Liam ‘I’ll Be Needing Two Seats’ Fox. Thrill to stories from the far reaches of the Empire; of gold, jewels and ivory – just there for the taking; and of bizarre and mysterious potentates, such as the Mighty Trump of the West and the Meddlesome Vlad of the East! You’ll believe in two-headed flying camels! And trade deals that can replace the EU!

3. Knife Throwing with David ‘I Think I’ll Be Good at It’ Cameron, and his glamorous international assistant George ‘Gizza Job’ Osborne. Every time he hits the spinning target without impaling George, a Russian oligarch donates £100k to the Tory Party! Hurrah! And such confidence – he can even do it blindfolded! What could go wrong? Oops…

2. What the Butler Saw, with Raffish Old-School Raconteur Damien ‘PornHub’ Green. Ooh-la-la! Is it really like that in Downing Street, or is it more like the Joe Orton play?

1. Musical Hall Artiste of Yesteryear and Songbird-in-a-Gilded-Cage, Theresa ‘Maybe It’s Because I’m a Blunderer’ May. Chaste and aloof, the Ice Princess all the way from Maidenhead! No innuendo, no smut, no smile, no dancing nor flash of ankle, and no idea what she’s singing about. Just the leopard-print shoes and her unchanging catalogue of timeless and well-worn standards: ‘Nothing Has Changed’, ‘Let Me Be Clear’, ‘Brexit Means Brexit’, ‘A Britain That Works for Everyone’, ‘Just About Managing’, ‘The People Have Spoken’, and so on and on and on…

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Top Ten WMD Nasties Currently Stored in the Bunkers at Porton Down

10. Farage Gas. Produces blindness, headaches, crippling attacks of jingoism and an aversion to public transport. Now banned everywhere except the US, Russia and the BBC, although for many years it was unwittingly subsidised by the EU.

9. Johnsonium. Highly radioactive and easily dispersed via TV and print media, Johnsonium decays into different isotopes depending on which way the fallout from the Tory leadership fight is blowing.

8. Cameranthrax. Spread by spores typically incubated in a hot, steamy right-wing environment. Causes nausea, vomiting and verbal diarrhoea, mostly on account of the way the host organism walks away without suffering any personal ill effects whatsoever.

7. Govichuk. A mere trace of this nerve agent is enough to kill off any Tory leadership campaign.

6. Thatcherium. An extremely toxic element, originally synthesised in the US, with a very long half-life. Because of the way it interferes with the DNA of all public life, it is all but impossible to eradicate, once contamination has occurred. Will explode violently if brought into contact with trade unionism or civilised values.

5. Botulinum Europhobia. Produces foaming at the mouth, double standards, hot-headedness, flashbacks, and an irrational fear of foreigners. The only known cure is a diet consisting of nothing but British haddock (or kippers).

4. Turkish Flu. Resistant to all known antibiotics or facts, this highly contagious flu virus causes lurid hallucinations – typically of hordes of migrants crossing the English Channel – followed by severe amnesia.

3. NHVX. This agent destroys a health system by constricting the flow of vital funding. Side effects include exhaustion, despondency, poverty and death.

2. Austerium. Experiments, theory and history have all shown conclusively that the effects of this substance on 99% of the population are entirely harmful and destructive. However, for some reason, research continues to be funded.

1. Maydon. A colourless, odourless, radioactive gas that occurs naturally under certain geological conditions – such as strata of extreme inequality or deposits of Tory schist. In sufficient concentrations in confined spaces – such as the corridors of Westminster – it induces paralysis and narcolepsy, along with acute feelings of inadequacy, persecution and fatalism. Death comes slowly and painfully, although the body may appear to function long after the brain has putrefied.

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Top Ten Tips from a Former Top MI6 Spook: What YOU Can Do NOW to Stop the Traitor Corbyn Seizing Power by Winning the Next Election

(From an upcoming pull-out special in the Daily Telegraph.)

10. Allotments. Subversives like Corbyn like to use ‘allotments’ to avoid surveillance. In the somewhat unlikely event that you know of someone with an allotment – they’re usually lower-class and may live in a ‘council’ house – make sure to plant a bug in their shed (see Reader Offer below) and send us your recordings.

9. Horses. When Corbyn stages his coup, by ‘getting the most votes’, we’ll need to mobilise. The Reds will act fast to take control of the CCTV and ANPR networks, so we’ll need to avoid motorised transport. Get in touch with your local hunt and make arrangements. Ex-police horses are usually best.

8. Guns. We’re talking to Trump’s people about this. You normally need to be 18 to get an AR-15, but Trump may waive the rules in the face of the Corbynite threat.

7. Fashion. Even counter-revolutionaries need to look their best as they man (or woman!) the barricades. Do look at our special feature on what the Country Set are wearing to defy Corbyn.

6. Media. We’ll be just fine with Sky and the BBC (and the papers, of course!), but Channel Four could be a problem. Get on to Ofcom and help us get Jon Snow, Michael Crick and the other trouble-makers moved up North, which is where we’ll send all the subversives once democracy is restored.

5. Money. Betting against Corbyn is the best investment you can make (after Buy-to-Let, water company shares and offshore), so send us your cash and we’ll invest it for you in our anti-Corbyn hedge fund (managed by Anthony ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci). Bitcoin gleefully accepted!

4. Russia. Some of you may still believe that Russia is ‘communist’. But we’ve had a word with Steve Bannon, and it turns out that Vladimir Putin is actually a traditional-values conservative. Yes, it’s true! What’s more, he’s very keen on Brexit and he’s told all his ‘oligarch’ friends to donate to the Tory Party! So keep the back door unlocked, if you know what we’re saying. After all, what’s a bit of nerve agent between friends?

3. The EU. Corbyn poses as a ‘Eurosceptic’, but he hates Britain, so it stands to reason that he must be in league with Brussels. We’ll need to guard against invasion. Gavin Williamson, Liam Fox and Jacob Rees-Mogg will be organising a Dad’s Army-style guerrilla outfit. Contact your local golf club for details.

2. The Royal Family. Obviously, the Royals will be one of Corbyn’s first targets. We will need to hide them until the fuss blows over. If you have a spare castle, moated estate or manor house, please get in touch.

1. Democracy. After the Corbyn threat is despatched, we’ll need to restore democracy in accordance with the Brexit vote. If you fancy a seat in the reformed House of Commons, it’s not too soon to be thinking about your donation. Remember, democracy is just like the property market – you get what you pay for, the south east is way more expensive than the rest, and you can look forward to handing on your assets, tax-free, to your children. On with the revolution!

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Top Ten Things the Brexiteers Say vs. What They Really Think

  1. There will be much more money going into the NHS after Brexit.

Well, duh! Obviously, healthcare is going to get A LOT more expensive after we sell the NHS to Trump. But anyone with any sense has already loaded up on US private healthcare stocks, so no problem. What’s that? You can’t afford to speculate on the NASDAQ? Look, Brexit is all about standing on your own two feet. That’s what the People voted for.

  1. The Irish border is an imaginary problem.

Bit like Ireland itself, really. U2, Riverdance, James Joyce. All a bit of a jolly fiction. They’re not called the British Isles for nothing, you know. That chap with the funny name – calls himself the Tea Shack, or something – he’ll see sense eventually. If not, we’ll just have to send in the… Well, you know what I’m saying. It’s what the People voted for.

  1. We must not become a vassal state.

Well, not of the EU, ha-ha! But China, Russia, the US… Well, let’s be realistic, for once. They’re a lot more powerful than us. But if we’re nice to them, they’ll probably let us keep the Royal Family and the Cayman Islands. And that’s what Brexit is all about.

  1. Being in the EU is like being shackled to a corpse.

It’s like one of those awful Nordic Noir TV shows. All free childcare, refugees and workers’ rights! Well, we don’t want any of that here. We’re going to stick to Midsomer Murders, where the toffs worry about inheriting the big house and the plebs know their place. That’s the British Dream, and it’s what the People voted for.

  1. We need to take back control of our laws, our borders and our money.

Exactly. But did you see what we did there? Who’s we when we’re at home? People didn’t vote to take back control just to hand it over to all those whinging Remainers in Parliament. Or to those so-called experts at the Treasury and the CBI. Let alone those Brussels-loving, bleeding-heart constitutional lawyers. Or the citizens of nowhere in the big cities. Or the snowflake millennials. Or – God help us! – the traitor Corbyn and his rabble. So who does that leave? Jacob, Nigel and the patriotic press, basically. Look, we had a referendum. That’s democracy.

  1. We need the freedom to strike our own deals and be competitive.

Why should we have to play by the same rules as Germany, eh? It’s not fair. Who won the bloody war? Look, if they want to work hard, train and pay their workers properly, and flood the world with their cars, software and high-tech engineering, that’s their look-out. Why should we have to do it the hard way? All we need to do is deregulate the City, dump all those cushy workers’ rights, scrap all the job-killing environmental red tape – and Britain will boom. We’ll be the Singapore of Europe. Or possibly the Mexico. One of those. The People voted, you know.

  1. Staying in a customs union would be a betrayal of voters.

Well, technically, if you insist on being really anal about it, it’s true that, during the referendum campaign, we didn’t mention customs unions, or single markets, or the Irish border, or financial passporting, or VAT collection, or air traffic rules, or duplicating dozens of EU agencies, or pharmaceutical approvals, or… Look, shut up! The People have spoken! They can’t be expected to worry about customs unions and rules of origin! They know they’re being betrayed! Because we just told them so!

  1. Brexit isn’t going to be some Mad Max dystopian future.

Look, for a start, this global warming thing is grossly exaggerated. And Australia is crying out for a trade deal with us. There must be any number of things they can’t get from their neighbours in Asia that they can buy from us. Anyway, the whole point of Brexit is not to crash forward into the future, but to make Britain great again by recovering our glorious past. If we but reach out to the peoples of the Empire, we may rest assured that they will respond accordingly. That’s the promise of Brexit.

  1. We will continue to go on cheapo flights to stag parties in ancient cities.

They probably won’t let us in, though, the bastards – but that’s just typical of the petty, spiteful EU that’s always trying to do Britain down. Just tell them to stuff their cuisine and culture, and jet off to Florida instead. I hear that Mar-a-Lago is lovely at any time of year.

  1. Brexit means Brexit.

Yes, It’s a golden oldie, I know. And it’s all a bit metaphysical. But when I see a copy of the Daily Mail lying in a gutter, I want to tenderly pick it up and brush it down. When I hear some kids yelling at a Polish builder, it brings a glow to my heart. When Nigel Farage pops up on Question Time yet again, I know that something’s right with the world. When Donald Trump says he’s going to give us something big and beautiful, I feel that life’s worth living – so long as you’re not a migrant, or anything like that. When I visit London and it doesn’t feel quite so foreign as it used to, I walk with a spring in my step. When Theresa May tells me I’m a citizen of somewhere, I can almost believe her. And when Boris Johnson or Jacob Rees-Mogg says that there’s nothing to worry about – if you’re not poor, or sick, or disabled or whatever – and that we can look forward to living in the best and most British of all possible worlds, I feel as if transported into an antique world of wonder.

That’s the magic of Brexit. And it’s what the People voted for.

 

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New Tory Membership Application Form

CONSERVATIVE PARTY MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM

(2018 Simplified and modernised version.)

Q1. Do you have a lot of money?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Yes, but it’s in the Turks and Caicos and nobody’s supposed to know about it – shh!

Q2. Do you have children (or grandchildren) who desperately need help buying their £600k starter home?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. I had to sell the kids to pay the rent.

Q3. Complete the following sentence. Brexit will lead to…

A. The rebirth of the British Empire.
B. A secular sub-trend medium- and long-term trajectory for UK GNP growth and productivity, based on estimates from the World Bank, the IMF, the Bank of England and the Office for Budgetary Responsibility.
C. A well-earned knighthood for Nigel Farage.

Q4. Which of the following is the greatest ever Conservative Prime Minister?

A. Benjamin Disraeli.
B. Harold Macmillan.
C. Margaret Thatcher.
D. Nigel Farage.

Q5. Are you old? (‘Old’ means 80 or over).

A. Yes.
B. No, I’m only 65. Could you make an exception, please?
C. I helped put down the General Strike.
D. I think it’s time we came to terms with our history, like other countries, and started thinking about the future.

Q6. Are you implacably opposed to job-destroying socialism and all that Corbyn stands for?

A. You bet I am! Mind you, if you’re smart then destroying jobs isn’t necessarily the end of the world – just look at those Carillion chaps.
B. What’s ‘socialism’?
C. I suppose so, but wouldn’t slightly higher wages be a good thing?

Q7. Donald Trump is making America great again. Who do you think would make England great again?

A. Theresa May.
B. Boris Johnson.
C. Nigel Farage.
D. Whoever the leader of UKIP is this week.
E. Aha! Trick question! After Brexit, Trump will be in charge anyway!

Q8. Would you be able to generate a state-of-the-art social media campaign for the Tories?

A. What’s ‘social media’?
B. I think my niece’s boy has got one of those computer things.
C. Absolutely. Check out my profile on MySpace – I haven’t updated it lately, but it’s got some gifs and it’s probably the sort of thing you’re looking for. Just don’t click on the thing that says ‘My More Intimate Moments’.

Q9. What would you do if disaster struck and Corbyn won the next election?

A. Help Boris Johnson organise a US-backed military coup.
B. Help Nigel Farage organise a Russian-backed military coup.
C. Help David Cameron organise a Chinese-backed military coup.
D. Keep calm and carry on.

Q10. Finally, who said this: ‘Your representative owes you, not his industry only, but his judgment; and he betrays instead of serving you if he sacrifices it to your opinion.’?

A. I don’t know, but they’d bloody well better not sabotage Brexit.
B. Edmund Burke, the philosophical father of pragmatic, one-nation conservatism.
C. Nick Clegg?

Now check your score.

If you answered B to question 1, go away.

If you answered B to question 3, you are a Financial Times reader and an Enemy of the People.

If you answered C to question 6, you are a Corbynite. Your details have been forwarded to the relevant authorities.

If you answered A to question 7, you must be really stupid. I’m sorry, but look – if you’re going to be a member of the Conservative Party you have to realise that the Daily Mail is meant to be taken seriously but not literally. Sometimes I despair, I really do.

If you answered C to question 10, you are obviously a smart-arse with a sense of humour. We can do without that.

Ahem.

The correct answers are as follows:

Q1 – A or C; Q2 – A; Q3 – A or C; Q4 – C or D; Q5 – A, B or C; Q6 – A; Q7 – any answer except A; Q8 – B, I suppose – it’s the best we’re likely to get; Q9 – A, B or C; Q10 – A.

If you got them all right then you’re just the chap we’re looking for.

Welcome aboard to you and your lovely lady wife!

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Trump Visit Cancelled

After all, London is full of the sort of non-Norwegian people the President despises.

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Brexit Optimism

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Cabinet Reshuffle

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Legacies

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Novelist / Writer of Satirical Political Thrillers