10. We cannot retreat to our comfort zone.
Look, let’s face it: the Tories have won. They started winning in 1979, and they’ve been winning ever since, even when we were in office. There’s no way we’re ever going to reverse any of their policies. Not in a million years. But we will implement them with a bit less viciousness. And we won’t gloat. As much.
9. Britain needs a Labour Government that supports aspiration.
I mean, how the f—k are we going to get the post-politics consultancies we deserve, if we piss away our time in opposition?
8. Under Tony Blair, we won three elections in a row.
Well, yeah, but back then the Tories were crap, and Tony went down on his knees and swore to Rupert and the fat-cats that we wouldn’t touch them. Now we’re crap and the Tories are on a roll. What to do, eh? Better get ready for when the Tories are crap again – bring on the EU referendum!
7. The left will doom us to opposition and betray a generation of hardworking families.
They’re a bunch of socialists, for f—k’s sale! They actually care about the working class, God help us. Trouble is, the working class doesn’t want their help. They either don’t vote or they vote Tory, for some reason – don’t ask me why. Look, if they really want to vote against their own interests, who are we to tell them they’re wrong? Plus, the Mail will kill us. Plus, see item no. 9.
6. Renationalisation is a dangerous fantasy.
Public ownership? Are you mad? Make ourselves responsible for every last train, electricity pylon and water pipe? Look, the whole point about New Labour is avoiding responsibility (remember Iraq, by any chance?) and leaving everything to the magic of the market. Don’t knock it, it works for the Tories. Power without responsibility – you have to admire them. Plus, the Mail would kill us.
5. We need to admit we got it wrong on immigration.
Actually, no, we didn’t. We got it right. The figures say so. Everyone who knows anything about the subject knows that. Even the Tories. Especially the Tories. But the Mail will kill us if we’re not tough on immigration. Besides, who cares – they’re only bloody migrants. It’s not like they vote or make donations.
4. We can’t move on until we apologise for spending too much.
Actually, no, we didn’t. We got it right. The figures say so. Everyone who knows anything about the subject knows that. Even the Tories. Especially the Tories. Economists, people like that. Paul Krugman, anyone? The IMF? But the Mail will kill us if we say so. Besides, if the public doesn’t want public services, who are we to disagree?
3. We must regain the trust of Middle England.
Because the bastards read the Mail and there’s nothing we can do about it.
2. We must be on the side of the wealth-creators.
Tame capitalism? Us? You must be joking. Anyway, the joke in question is that one about the War On Poverty being over – the Poor lost, ha-ha! Now, there is a view out there, that anyone who does any kind of work – even unpaid voluntary work – is ‘creating wealth’. That may well be true. But it’s not going to get us anywhere, is it? Actually, we’ve met a lot of these so-called wealth-creators and most of them are really just speculators or gamblers. Or rentiers, to use a posh word that the stupid voters don’t understand. They probably destroy more wealth than they create! Where’s George Orwell when you need him, eh? Ahem. Er, please forget what I just said and refer to item no. 9.
1. We must deal with the world the way it is, and not how we want it to be.
Look, we’re just New Labour careerist politicos trying to make a living. We’re not trying to change the world.
We’ll leave that to the Tories.