The Sermon on the Mount, as re-written for illustrative purposes by the DWP, on the instructions of the Secretary of State.

Now when IDS saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. He said:

Blessed are the poor in cash, for theirs is the Kingdom of Poundland.

Blessed are those who can’t cope, for they will be sanctioned.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the deficit.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filed under ‘troublemakers’.

Blessed are the merciful and the carers, for they will be shown no mercy or care.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see IDS.

Blessed are the zero-hours slaves, for they will be called children of Thatcher.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the Daily Mail and The Sun.

And when IDS had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority and the media on his side, and not as common decency would have held.

10. We cannot retreat to our comfort zone.

Look, let’s face it: the Tories have won. They started winning in 1979, and they’ve been winning ever since, even when we were in office. There’s no way we’re ever going to reverse any of their policies. Not in a million years. But we will implement them with a bit less viciousness. And we won’t gloat. As much.

9. Britain needs a Labour Government that supports aspiration.

I mean, how the f—k are we going to get the post-politics consultancies we deserve, if we piss away our time in opposition?

8. Under Tony Blair, we won three elections in a row.

Well, yeah, but back then the Tories were crap, and Tony went down on his knees and swore to Rupert and the fat-cats that we wouldn’t touch them. Now we’re crap and the Tories are on a roll. What to do, eh? Better get ready for when the Tories are crap again – bring on the EU referendum!

7. The left will doom us to opposition and betray a generation of hardworking families.

They’re a bunch of socialists, for f—k’s sale! They actually care about the working class, God help us. Trouble is, the working class doesn’t want their help. They either don’t vote or they vote Tory, for some reason – don’t ask me why. Look, if they really want to vote against their own interests, who are we to tell them they’re wrong? Plus, the Mail will kill us. Plus, see item no. 9.

6. Renationalisation is a dangerous fantasy.

Public ownership? Are you mad? Make ourselves responsible for every last train, electricity pylon and water pipe? Look, the whole point about New Labour is avoiding responsibility (remember Iraq, by any chance?) and leaving everything to the magic of the market. Don’t knock it, it works for the Tories. Power without responsibility – you have to admire them. Plus, the Mail would kill us.

5. We need to admit we got it wrong on immigration.

Actually, no, we didn’t. We got it right. The figures say so. Everyone who knows anything about the subject knows that. Even the Tories. Especially the Tories. But the Mail will kill us if we’re not tough on immigration. Besides, who cares – they’re only bloody migrants. It’s not like they vote or make donations.

4. We can’t move on until we apologise for spending too much.

Actually, no, we didn’t. We got it right. The figures say so. Everyone who knows anything about the subject knows that. Even the Tories. Especially the Tories. Economists, people like that. Paul Krugman, anyone? The IMF? But the Mail will kill us if we say so. Besides, if the public doesn’t want public services, who are we to disagree?

3. We must regain the trust of Middle England.

Because the bastards read the Mail and there’s nothing we can do about it.

2. We must be on the side of the wealth-creators.

Tame capitalism? Us? You must be joking. Anyway, the joke in question is that one about the War On Poverty being over – the Poor lost, ha-ha! Now, there is a view out there, that anyone who does any kind of work – even unpaid voluntary work – is ‘creating wealth’. That may well be true. But it’s not going to get us anywhere, is it? Actually, we’ve met a lot of these so-called wealth-creators and most of them are really just speculators or gamblers. Or rentiers, to use a posh word that the stupid voters don’t understand. They probably destroy more wealth than they create! Where’s George Orwell when you need him, eh? Ahem. Er, please forget what I just said and refer to item no. 9.

1. We must deal with the world the way it is, and not how we want it to be.

Look, we’re just New Labour careerist politicos trying to make a living. We’re not trying to change the world.

We’ll leave that to the Tories.

10. Help still needed in Iraq.

9. Earning power fading after years out of office.

8. Cameron too posh to push for US interests.

7. Labour Party being over-run by entryists who believe in its principles.

6. Right-wing media unable to expose Corbyn socialist hypocrisy (because he is a socialist).

5. City bankers pining for PFI deals.

4. Gordon’s fault that Lehman Brothers and AIG collapsed, not Tony’s.

3. Could offer faultless foreign affairs advice to President Jeb Bush.

2. Would spark Britpop revival.

1. The alternative is Osborne.

10. Poverty. It’s not about not having enough money. It’s about not having a dream. It’s about not aspiring. It’s about having the wrong attitude. But, thanks to IDS, the government has changed attitudes and abolished poverty.

9. Hunger. People only go to food banks because they’re there. They claim they’re ‘hungry’. Abolish the food banks and the ‘hunger’ goes away.

8. Pestilence. What is the most disease-ridden part of the UK? The NHS. The solution’s obvious. (As are the profits – hurrah for world-beating British enterprise!)

7. War. Buy an aircraft carrier, but no aircraft. Buy American missiles that you can never use. Lay off all those stroppy squaddies to reduce the deficit. See? All you need is a little ingenuity. Meanwhile, drop a few bombs on Syria or somewhere. Existential threat? Gone! What about Putin, you say? Never forget that David Cameron could threaten to activate the Non-Dom Doomsday Device. (Not that he ever would, of course!)

6. Ignorance. Just hand over the BBC to Rupert Murdoch. Only then will people know what a good job the government is doing.

5. Europe. When Britain leaves, the EU will collapse and fragment. It’ll be like the 19th century all over again, when Britain ruled and things were much better (except possibly for items 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, etc).

4. The Labour Party. Liz Kendall seems to have got the message already.

3. The UK. Or, rather, its superfluous socialist bits. Job almost done. Little (southern) England (as opposed to Great Britain) will be much more attractive than the sum of its former parts. Think of it as political cosmetic surgery (not on the NHS, obviously, ha-ha).

2. The deficit. Actually, why don’t we hold on to it for a while? It’s been very useful.

1. Reality. Job done.