10. Poverty. It’s not about not having enough money. It’s about not having a dream. It’s about not aspiring. It’s about having the wrong attitude. But, thanks to IDS, the government has changed attitudes and abolished poverty.
9. Hunger. People only go to food banks because they’re there. They claim they’re ‘hungry’. Abolish the food banks and the ‘hunger’ goes away.
8. Pestilence. What is the most disease-ridden part of the UK? The NHS. The solution’s obvious. (As are the profits – hurrah for world-beating British enterprise!)
7. War. Buy an aircraft carrier, but no aircraft. Buy American missiles that you can never use. Lay off all those stroppy squaddies to reduce the deficit. See? All you need is a little ingenuity. Meanwhile, drop a few bombs on Syria or somewhere. Existential threat? Gone! What about Putin, you say? Never forget that David Cameron could threaten to activate the Non-Dom Doomsday Device. (Not that he ever would, of course!)
6. Ignorance. Just hand over the BBC to Rupert Murdoch. Only then will people know what a good job the government is doing.
5. Europe. When Britain leaves, the EU will collapse and fragment. It’ll be like the 19th century all over again, when Britain ruled and things were much better (except possibly for items 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, etc).
4. The Labour Party. Liz Kendall seems to have got the message already.
3. The UK. Or, rather, its superfluous socialist bits. Job almost done. Little (southern) England (as opposed to Great Britain) will be much more attractive than the sum of its former parts. Think of it as political cosmetic surgery (not on the NHS, obviously, ha-ha).
2. The deficit. Actually, why don’t we hold on to it for a while? It’s been very useful.
1. Reality. Job done.