Limerick on the Occasion of the Liberal Democrat Conference

There was a young Lib Dem called Tim,
Who was ever so nice but quite dim.
With Labour alight,
And the Tories hard right,
He still thought it was all about him.

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Top Ten Tory Things to Do With a Dead Pig:

10. Shove it out the back of your Range Rover as you speed past the local food bank.

9. Appoint it to the House of Lords.

8. Leave it in Jeremy Corbyn’s bed.

7. Refer it to the Independent Press Standards Organisation (just for a laugh).

6. Use it to plug a hole in the fence in Calais.

5. Have HMRC accept it as payment in lieu of evaded taxes.

4. Make a funny YouTube video of it apparently singing ‘God Save the Queen’.

3. Smear lipstick on its lips and dance around it chanting ‘Long Term Economic Plan’.

2. Claim an EU subsidy for it.

1. #piggate

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A Letter to Mr Jeremy Corbyn, MP, from The British Establishment

Dear Mr Corbyn,

It has come to our attention that you are proposing to remodel one of our political parties along ‘left-wing’ lines. We are sure that this must be the result of some simple misunderstanding and are therefore writing to you in order to put matters straight.

Democracy is, of course, a grand but subtle concept. It is not, we are sure you will agree, simply a matter of counting the votes. The genius of our British version of democracy is that, willy-nilly, the government that is chosen is always the one that will best serve the national interest. You may rest assured that this tradition will continue.

However, while we feel it would be insulting to you to point out that Socialism has been a miserable failure wherever it has been tried, nevertheless, and having just done so, we wish to reassure you that no serious harm can ever come to our island nation, given the checks and balances implicit in our constitution and the capacity of our polity to heal itself. May we be so bold then, in other words and in short, to advise you to – how shall we put it? – get real, because it ain’t going to happen.

Permit us also to remind you that, through centuries of steady evolution, our great modern state has come to rest upon four sturdy democratic pillars: the Monarchy, the House of Lords, the City of London, and our Special Relationship with the United States of America. In more modern times, our illustrious political parties have played their role, too – the Whigs, the Conservatives, and even the Liberals. And, more recently, perhaps we might be so generous as to add your ‘Labour Party’ to the list.

In fact and to be perfectly fair, we feel that, under Mr Blair, your ‘Labour Party’ became a decent little operation. Thus we feel it would be a great shame were anything untoward to happen to it now.

It was once said – by an American, we are told! – that Britain had ‘lost an empire and not yet found a role.’ But we think we can all agree that the purpose of Britain is, to borrow the words of one of today’s popular songs, the ‘same as it ever was’. That this fact is implicitly understood, we may put down to the native common sense of the English people.

We remain your obedient servants, sir, and we trust that we have cleared up that little misunderstanding.

Yours Faithfully,

The British Establishment.

p.s. We hope you will forgive us for respectfully drawing to your attention the fact that we still have an army, a police force, some jolly decent spies, and control of the media. Just so you know.

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Silly Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Corbyn supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to steady the ladder; one to change the bulb; and about a dozen to hold back the Blairites who want to privatise the ladder.

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Top Ten Acts of Heroism Performed by David Cameron

10. Liberating Libya from tyranny and then modestly declining to take any credit at all.

9. Refusing to fire Iain Duncan Smith, despite the vicious propaganda war waged by the families of dead claimants who were declared fit for work.

8. Giving Andy Coulson, Rebekah Brooks and Lord Fink a second chance, despite all the hard-hearted naysayers’ advice and evidence.

7. Promising Home Rule to Scotland, and then bravely changing his mind when Scotland proved unworthy.

6. Saving his party from ‘banging on about Europe’ by selflessly banging on about it himself.

5. Pressing on with the Bedroom Tax and the benefit cap, despite the humanitarian concerns of the charities, the churches and the conservative newspapers*.

4. Putting aside grievous fears about the deficit in order to find money for fences and razor wire in Calais.

3. Standing firm against the might of the renewable energy lobby and safeguarding the stock options of downtrodden, struggling energy bosses by befriending Britain’s plucky little frackers.

2. Facing down the threat to Britain’s property-owning democracy by all but abolishing inheritance tax and ensuring that home-ownership remains an aspiration for many.

1. Standing fast against the drowning child economic migrants of Syria by declaring that ‘you can’t solve a refugee crisis by helping refugees.’

(*Note to self: need to fact-check that newspaper thing.)

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Top Ten Things That Make You Ineligible To Vote in the Labour Leadership Election

10. Your dad used to have a picture of Arthur Scargill on his sideboard.

9. You were spotted on YouTube pretending to remember the words to The Red Flag.

8. You voted for one of the Labour MPs who voted against the Tory benefits bill.

7. You refuse to accept that Labour must: (a) not retreat to its comfort zone; (b) deal with the world as it is, and not as we would wish it to be; (c) be pretty much as nasty as the Tories.

6. You think going around shouting ‘Up the Workers’ is funny.

5. Your mum still has some old VHS cassettes of Citizen Smith.

4. You still haven’t gotten over that silly old Iraq thing.

3. You are obviously not a wealth-creator. I mean, look at you!

2. You can’t be trusted with democracy if it’s obvious that you’re just going to abuse it.

1. Your motivation for joining the Labour Party was purely political.

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