Top Ten Acts of Heroism Performed by David Cameron

10. Liberating Libya from tyranny and then modestly declining to take any credit at all.

9. Refusing to fire Iain Duncan Smith, despite the vicious propaganda war waged by the families of dead claimants who were declared fit for work.

8. Giving Andy Coulson, Rebekah Brooks and Lord Fink a second chance, despite all the hard-hearted naysayers’ advice and evidence.

7. Promising Home Rule to Scotland, and then bravely changing his mind when Scotland proved unworthy.

6. Saving his party from ‘banging on about Europe’ by selflessly banging on about it himself.

5. Pressing on with the Bedroom Tax and the benefit cap, despite the humanitarian concerns of the charities, the churches and the conservative newspapers*.

4. Putting aside grievous fears about the deficit in order to find money for fences and razor wire in Calais.

3. Standing firm against the might of the renewable energy lobby and safeguarding the stock options of downtrodden, struggling energy bosses by befriending Britain’s plucky little frackers.

2. Facing down the threat to Britain’s property-owning democracy by all but abolishing inheritance tax and ensuring that home-ownership remains an aspiration for many.

1. Standing fast against the drowning child economic migrants of Syria by declaring that ‘you can’t solve a refugee crisis by helping refugees.’

(*Note to self: need to fact-check that newspaper thing.)

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