10. They really were awfully complicated – that’s Labour all over, of course, always making life difficult for people like you – but after they’re gone you won’t have to scratch your head about them ever again. More time for bingo and ale and jolly things like that!
9. To be quite blunt about it – and if you heard the Prime Minister’s speech at the Conservative Party Conference you’ll know that he’s always utterly honest about everything – tax credits were a kind of green crap that we just had to get rid of. Think of them as like the horrible wind turbines that Labour would love to plant in your back garden. Labour say that wind power is ‘renewable’, but what they won’t admit is that it’s just part of their something-for-nothing culture.
8. In case you haven’t heard, the Prime Minister has said quite clearly that people like you will all be better off by loads. Remember – he’s devoted to his lovely family and he’s standing firm against all those horrid migrants you see on the television.
7. You’ll be receiving a letter about your tax credits just before Christmas. You don’t really need to read it, of course, but don’t forget that used envelopes and sheets of paper make great presents for children of all ages – you can draw on the back!
6. Oh look – there’s a squirrel in that tree! Funny little chaps, aren’t they? And don’t forget that you get lots more security with the Conservatives.
5. After we’ve done away with your silly old tax credits, you might like to consider looking for another job or two. Or perhaps three – unlike Labour, the government will let you have as many jobs as you want! And, thanks to our reforms, you won’t even have to show up unless there’s work to do! (Just remember to keep your phone on, 24/7.)
4. You might be shocked to learn this, but tax credits were actually benefits. We bet you’re glad to be off benefits now, aren’t you? What a relief! Don’t worry, we won’t tell the neighbours or the papers!
3. As you know, the Chancellor has totally fixed the economy and Britain is now booming. And the new Living Wage, when – or possibly if – it arrives, will make people like you tons better off. Well, it’ll make some people slightly better off, possibly. If they actually receive it. And if rents don’t keep going up. And energy. However the important point is that, thanks to Labour, the deficit is still going up! (Yes, we know what you’re thinking!) So make your voice heard and demand that all those people on benefits (no, not you – we thought we just made that clear) start making a contribution!
2. Did you know that the government can’t control the world price of steel? Just saying. Oh look, the squirrel’s back.
1. You’ve probably heard that George Osborne is cutting benefits in order to boost National Security. And instead of borrowing oodles and stacks of money – like Labour would – he’s getting the Chinese to build our new nuclear power stations for us, and the Chinese are very keen on security too. You wouldn’t catch them handing out tax credits instead of making work pay! So remember, you’re not losing a filthy, scrounger’s benefit that you should have been ashamed to claim in the first place – you’re helping to cement the new Sino-British Golden Age. Well done, you!