Top Ten Things David Cameron Is Totally Entitled to Bomb, If He Feels Like It

10. Syria. Okay, so ISIS doesn’t seem fazed by American, Russian, French or anyone else’s bombs. But once the jihadis find British bombs falling on their heads, with their mocking slogans, written in Margaret Thatcher’s own favourite shade of lipstick – such as ‘Buller, Buller, Buller’ and ‘Take THAT, jihadi oiks!’ – they’ll soon realise that resistance is futile.

9. The deficit. Well, of course, you can’t actually bomb an accounting entity. But you can bomb the people who caused it: benefit claimants, disabled people, students, the poor, Gordon Brown.

8. Green crap. Those wind turbines are sitting ducks. Eat depleted uranium, evil, nimby-enraging view-spoilers!

7. Jeremy Corbyn. According to the BBC and everyone else who matters, he’s on the side of the terrorists. Case closed! Time to send a drone after him to ‘arrest’ him and ‘put him on trial’. It’ll be better for everyone, ha-ha! Justice, eh? You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

6. Migrants. It’s all very well claiming to be fleeing carnage, but how do we know that one of those desperate two-year-olds won’t grow up to be a jihadi? Of course, we won’t be shooting to kill with the bombs, just sending a polite but firm message: ‘go home, we don’t give a shit’.

5. Boris Johnson. If Bozza so much as hints at joining the Brexit gang, he’s asking for a pre-emptive strike.

4. Junior doctors. You know, if they were all suddenly to go away, there’d be no choice but to call in the private sector.

3. Iraq. No, wait – we’re still doing that. After twelve years. Hmm. Well, it should begin to work any day now.

2. Truth and justice. Whatever these things are, they’re getting in the way of government policy. Instead of just twisting them, why not take them out for good? They’re supposed to be the first casualties of war, after all.

1. The Republican Party Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, in July 2016. If any of those loonies gets in, it’ll be British boots-on-the-ground again, all over the Middle East. Think of the deficit!

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