10. Saudi Barbarism.
I really can’t approve of this head-chopping business at all. Yes, I know all head-choppers are not the same – those ISIS chaps are beastly. But – if I may be so bold as to suggest it – why not use some of that lovely weaponry we sold you? It’s so much more discreet and tasteful. And we’ve got plenty more if you run out.
9. Global Warming.
I must say that I’m deeply unimpressed with the way that the climate is behaving. Especially after all the trouble I went to in getting rid of the green crap and nurturing our delicate fracking industry. So my message to the global climate is this: start acting responsibly or we will clamp down on you hard!
8. Outdated Attitudes Re: Pigs.
I believe in a tolerant, caring, diverse Britain – a Britain where you are judged only on the quality of your portfolio, and not on the colour of your skin, or your religion, or your porcine peccadilloes.
Talk about a bunch of Moaning Minnies! Everyone knows it’s wet up north. It can get jolly muddy down here in the Cotswolds too, let me tell you. But I don’t complain; I just slip on my Hunters and get on with ordering people about. If you really can’t hack it, move to Berkshire or Surrey. (We can’t have floods there – it’s matter of national security.)
6. The European Union.
I keep explaining to these foreign Johnnies where they’ve got it wrong. But they just turn around and say there’s twenty-seven of them and only one of me. As if I can’t count! Look, I tell them, I got twenty-four per cent of the vote in the last election – that’s an overwhelming majority!
5. Midsomer Murders.
They’ve got some chap who looks like me doing it now. But they’re still having a pop at the blameless upper classes whenever they get the chance. We’re not all peeping toms and fox-stranglers, you know! It can be very embarrassing when I’m watching with Angela Merkel. They ought to get that Downton Abbey chap to take it over and give it a bit more realism.
4. The British Economy.
We keep cutting public services and benefits and yet the debt never seems to go away! I’ve asked George about this, and he says it’s all the fault of the Eurozone, or China, or Labour, or global commodity prices, or American interest rates, or what-have-you. No doubt he knows what he’s talking about. He says never mind falling living standards, look at house prices. I expect he’s right. But if I don’t see a surplus a couple of years from now, I’m taking my money and I’m off.
3. The House of Lords.
I felt deeply hurt and perplexed by the votes against me in the upper chamber, until I looked into it and found out that the Lords no longer had the constitutionally-required Conservative majority! Honestly, I don’t know how these things happen. But you can be sure it won’t happen again!
2. The United States of America.
What are they thinking over there? Take that Trump fellow, for example! Look, if you want to divide the working class against itself, and get it to vote against its own interests; if you want to exploit xenophobia and racism; if you want to play on people’s fears of terrorism; if you want stir up anger at scroungers while the bankers get away with murder – well, there are good ways of doing it, and there are bad ways. Regardez-moi, if you get my drift.
1. The Workers of Britain.
We go out of our way to give our working people the opportunity to strive with the same freedom, gusto and can-do dynamism shown by American and Chinese workers, and what do we get? Our workers are only 75% as productive as the over-paid, over-regulated French! Look, I am deeply, deeply disappointed. And I’m seriously thinking of firing the lot of you.