Are you a LOW ACHIEVER? Take this simple Tory test to find out!

1. How many posh London houses do you expect to inherit, or have already inherited?
a. More than 5. [Score 10]
b. About 3, I think. [Score 8]
c. One. [Score 5]
d. None. [Stop the test right now! You are a LOW ACHIEVER!]

2. If you accidentally left your kids at the pub, would the newspapers regard it as:
a. A funny story for you to tell at your next country supper. [Score 10]
b. Yet another example of fecklessness in ‘Broken Britain’. [Score 1]
c. I can’t afford to go to the pub. [Score 0]

3. When you travel to the Caribbean, is your suitcase full of:
a. Sun-cream, swimwear and tummy pills. [Score 0]
b. Bearer shares. [Score 5]
c. Cash. [Score 10]
d. I can’t afford a suitcase, let alone foreign holidays. [Score 0]

4. Do you own a white bow-tie?
a. Yes. [Score 10]
b. No, but I might be able to borrow a black one. [Score 5]
c. A what? [Score 0]

5. When you see Jimmy Carr on the telly, do you feel like:
a. Laughing. [Score 0]
b. Crying. [Score 0]
c. Getting on the phone to Mossack Fonseca. [Score 10]

6. Could you make ends meet on the Prime Minister’s salary (£142,500)?
a. I agree with Boris Johnson – that sort of money is chicken-feed. [Score 10]
b. Do I still have to pay school fees? [Score 5]
c. Are you f***ing kidding me? [Score 0]

7. Which of the following most matches your own view?
a. Alan Duncan is right – if you’re not rich you shouldn’t be an MP. [Score 10]
b. Alan Duncan is mistaken – there’s room in Parliament for people from all walks of life. [Score 5]
c. Alan Duncan is a total d***head. [Score 0]

8. If your mum suddenly gave you £200K, would you:
a. Call the police. [Score 0]
b. Send her a thank-you note from Smythsons. [Score 5]
c. Promise to crack down hard on the something-for-nothing culture. [Score 10]

9. When it’s time to do your tax return, do you:
a. Offload the whole thing to an expensive firm of accountants in the City, like most top Tories. [Score 5]
b. Fill it in by hand, completely cock it up, and forget to post it, like Jeremy Corbyn. [Score 0]
c. Chillax in the Bahamas. [Score 10]

10. Do you think inheritance and/or gift taxes are:
a. A pestilence wreaked upon the land by the Devil himself. [Score 10]
b. Essential to preventing runaway inequality. [Score 0]
c. The Daily Express says they’re going to take my mum’s caravan. [Score 0]

Now check your score!

If you scored MORE THAN ONE, good for you. Otherwise, you are a LOW ACHIEVER, and ought to be bloody well ashamed of yourself.

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Top Ten Helpful Hints for Tax-Dodging Tories

10. Whenever you’re promising to clamp down on tax avoidance, always remember to qualify it as ‘aggressive’. You wouldn’t want to be called a hypocrite, would you?

9. If you’re travelling to the Caribbean for a ‘board meeting’, make sure to stop by in Panama to tell the good people at Mossack Fonseca just how much you appreciate their never having been accused of any wrongdoing.

8. Avoid criticising popular entertainers for their tax affairs. Unlike you, they’ve probably actually worked for their money and it’ll only come back to bite you. Stick to bashing benefit claimants instead.

7. Don’t forget: we can’t shut down all those British tax havens because it will only mean more foreign aid and immigration, and all those selfless offshore ‘investors’ are actually saving the taxpayers’ money!

6. Do you own a dog? Consider placing your bearer shares in a pouch around your pooch’s neck. Those Labour chappies will never think of looking there. And some very elegant designs are available from your favourite Bond Street designers.

5. If you’re strolling around Belgravia and some pleb looks at you funny, just yell ‘Politics of Envy!’ That usually sees them off.

4. Remember: if anyone asks, that shell corporation you own in the Bahamas or the British Virgin Islands actually sells shells. As in sea-shells. Got it?

3. Worried about being associated in the media with dictators, oligarchs and arms-dealers? Well, don’t be. It worked out just fine for Tony Blair.

2. Are you living in spacious, taxpayer-funded social housing whilst renting out that big Notting Hill house you inherited for loads of cash? Congratulations – you’ve successfully avoided the Bedroom Tax!

1. Do as Dave does, not as he says.

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