Are you a LOW ACHIEVER? Take this simple Tory test to find out!

1. How many posh London houses do you expect to inherit, or have already inherited?
a. More than 5. [Score 10]
b. About 3, I think. [Score 8]
c. One. [Score 5]
d. None. [Stop the test right now! You are a LOW ACHIEVER!]

2. If you accidentally left your kids at the pub, would the newspapers regard it as:
a. A funny story for you to tell at your next country supper. [Score 10]
b. Yet another example of fecklessness in ‘Broken Britain’. [Score 1]
c. I can’t afford to go to the pub. [Score 0]

3. When you travel to the Caribbean, is your suitcase full of:
a. Sun-cream, swimwear and tummy pills. [Score 0]
b. Bearer shares. [Score 5]
c. Cash. [Score 10]
d. I can’t afford a suitcase, let alone foreign holidays. [Score 0]

4. Do you own a white bow-tie?
a. Yes. [Score 10]
b. No, but I might be able to borrow a black one. [Score 5]
c. A what? [Score 0]

5. When you see Jimmy Carr on the telly, do you feel like:
a. Laughing. [Score 0]
b. Crying. [Score 0]
c. Getting on the phone to Mossack Fonseca. [Score 10]

6. Could you make ends meet on the Prime Minister’s salary (£142,500)?
a. I agree with Boris Johnson – that sort of money is chicken-feed. [Score 10]
b. Do I still have to pay school fees? [Score 5]
c. Are you f***ing kidding me? [Score 0]

7. Which of the following most matches your own view?
a. Alan Duncan is right – if you’re not rich you shouldn’t be an MP. [Score 10]
b. Alan Duncan is mistaken – there’s room in Parliament for people from all walks of life. [Score 5]
c. Alan Duncan is a total d***head. [Score 0]

8. If your mum suddenly gave you £200K, would you:
a. Call the police. [Score 0]
b. Send her a thank-you note from Smythsons. [Score 5]
c. Promise to crack down hard on the something-for-nothing culture. [Score 10]

9. When it’s time to do your tax return, do you:
a. Offload the whole thing to an expensive firm of accountants in the City, like most top Tories. [Score 5]
b. Fill it in by hand, completely cock it up, and forget to post it, like Jeremy Corbyn. [Score 0]
c. Chillax in the Bahamas. [Score 10]

10. Do you think inheritance and/or gift taxes are:
a. A pestilence wreaked upon the land by the Devil himself. [Score 10]
b. Essential to preventing runaway inequality. [Score 0]
c. The Daily Express says they’re going to take my mum’s caravan. [Score 0]

Now check your score!

If you scored MORE THAN ONE, good for you. Otherwise, you are a LOW ACHIEVER, and ought to be bloody well ashamed of yourself.

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