LEAKED! Top Ten Points from Theresa May’s Detailed Brexit Plan

10. Each week, come up with snazzy and vaguely patriotic new name for Plan – eg, ‘Red, White & Blue Brexit’, ‘Great British Bake-Off Brexit’, ‘Thatcher Memorial Brexit’, ‘Cool Britannia Brexit’, ‘Sunday Roast Brexit’, ‘Mini Cooper Brexit’, etc.

9. Pose in front of lots of Union Jacks to distract Mail, Sun, Express and Telegraph readers.

8. Get Farage to get Trump to get Russian friends to go round to Michel Barnier’s house.

7. Send Liam Fox to negotiate trade deal with Narnia.

6. Create smokescreen by getting Johnson and Davis to contradict each other. Oh, wait – they’re already doing that.

5. Tell City bankers there will be ‘specially-fitted lorries’ to get their continental staff in via Calais.

4. Get Farage to get Trump to get Russian friends to go through Keir Starmer’s emails.

3. Claim triumph in preserving ‘Access to Single Market’, without mentioning that single market in question is Wednesday’s farmers’ market in Calais.

2. Claim triumph in reducing ‘net migration’ by making Farage a Lord, thereby provoking mass emigration of ‘remoaners’.

1. Blame crippling post-Brexit economic decline on Labour.

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