Top Ten Greatest Hits of Theresa May

10. Nothing Has Changed.

A monotonous dirge on one note that excites feelings of cognitive dissonance in the listener.

9. Just About Managing.

A syrupy, insincere ballad aimed at the lower end of the market.

8. Blurred (Red) Lines.

A risky dance number, mostly stolen from other dodgy artists, that provoked legal action and a rebuke from the Supreme Court.

7. Strong And Stable.

Title track from the first album. Now deleted from the catalogue and available online for 1p plus shipping.

6. Fields Of Wheat.

Homage to The Police. Or to Tory nostalgia for 50’s-style law-‘n’-order.

5. Deep And Special.

Sultry retro Euro-disco love song.  But lyrics reveal it’s not deep and it’s certainly not special.

4. Opposites Attract (Featuring DJ Trump).

Vulgar rap. Desperate attempt to cash in on the latest transatlantic craze and grab a dubious new market.

3. Magic Money Tree.

An unsettling and plangent psychedelic ditty intended to induce a fearful hallucinatory trance and/or Stockholm syndrome. Played backwards, some claim, you can hear Satan laughing.

2. Brexit Means Brexit (Post-Election Remix).

Iconic trade-mark torch song. Many have tried to decipher the lyrics. None have succeeded.

  1. Seven Nation Tory.

Rousing anthem, intended to unify the Party and the country. Now appropriated by fans of the real Prime Minister.

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Top Ten Highly Plausible Scenarios in which Vince Cable becomes PM

10. Having predicted six of the last one financial crises, Cable is lauded by media as genius when new one hits.

9. Trump nukes North Korea. World War 3 starts. Tories flee to off-shore bolt-holes. Labour argues about Trident. No one else wants the job.

8. Jacob Rees-Mogg challenges Cable to Brexit duel at Runnymede. Cable wins. A grateful nation, etc, etc…

7. Corbyn wins snap election by landslide. Trump-backed military coup ensues. Trump picks Cable: ‘Vince – sounds like a tough guy, am I right?’

6. UK economy collapses post-Brexit; IMF appoints Cable as ‘PM/Official Receiver’.

5. George Osborne takes over Tory Party using Russian kompromat. Gets old job back, installs Cable as puppet PM.

4. Corbyn wins snap election by landslide, but Queen calls on Cable to form government after Lib Dems secretly share Russian kompromat on Harry.

3. Lib Dems adopt new policies – millions of new council houses, pay rises, no tuition fees, wealth tax for NHS – and win landslide. Immediately form austerity coalition with Tories with Cable as PM and Osborne as Chancellor.

2. Fearful of Corbyn youth vote, Tories use ‘Henry VIII’ powers to raise voting age to 70. Cable romps to victory on ‘free stairlifts and no swearing on Beeb’ pledge.

1. The Rapture arrives. Only other politicians left behind in dystopian hellscape are Blair, Mandelson, May, Johnson and Clegg. Cable fights dirty and wins.

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