Top Ten Highly Plausible Scenarios in which Vince Cable becomes PM

10. Having predicted six of the last one financial crises, Cable is lauded by media as genius when new one hits.

9. Trump nukes North Korea. World War 3 starts. Tories flee to off-shore bolt-holes. Labour argues about Trident. No one else wants the job.

8. Jacob Rees-Mogg challenges Cable to Brexit duel at Runnymede. Cable wins. A grateful nation, etc, etc…

7. Corbyn wins snap election by landslide. Trump-backed military coup ensues. Trump picks Cable: ‘Vince – sounds like a tough guy, am I right?’

6. UK economy collapses post-Brexit; IMF appoints Cable as ‘PM/Official Receiver’.

5. George Osborne takes over Tory Party using Russian kompromat. Gets old job back, installs Cable as puppet PM.

4. Corbyn wins snap election by landslide, but Queen calls on Cable to form government after Lib Dems secretly share Russian kompromat on Harry.

3. Lib Dems adopt new policies – millions of new council houses, pay rises, no tuition fees, wealth tax for NHS – and win landslide. Immediately form austerity coalition with Tories with Cable as PM and Osborne as Chancellor.

2. Fearful of Corbyn youth vote, Tories use ‘Henry VIII’ powers to raise voting age to 70. Cable romps to victory on ‘free stairlifts and no swearing on Beeb’ pledge.

1. The Rapture arrives. Only other politicians left behind in dystopian hellscape are Blair, Mandelson, May, Johnson and Clegg. Cable fights dirty and wins.

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