New Tory Membership Application Form


(2018 Simplified and modernised version.)

Q1. Do you have a lot of money?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Yes, but it’s in the Turks and Caicos and nobody’s supposed to know about it – shh!

Q2. Do you have children (or grandchildren) who desperately need help buying their £600k starter home?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. I had to sell the kids to pay the rent.

Q3. Complete the following sentence. Brexit will lead to…

A. The rebirth of the British Empire.
B. A secular sub-trend medium- and long-term trajectory for UK GNP growth and productivity, based on estimates from the World Bank, the IMF, the Bank of England and the Office for Budgetary Responsibility.
C. A well-earned knighthood for Nigel Farage.

Q4. Which of the following is the greatest ever Conservative Prime Minister?

A. Benjamin Disraeli.
B. Harold Macmillan.
C. Margaret Thatcher.
D. Nigel Farage.

Q5. Are you old? (‘Old’ means 80 or over).

A. Yes.
B. No, I’m only 65. Could you make an exception, please?
C. I helped put down the General Strike.
D. I think it’s time we came to terms with our history, like other countries, and started thinking about the future.

Q6. Are you implacably opposed to job-destroying socialism and all that Corbyn stands for?

A. You bet I am! Mind you, if you’re smart then destroying jobs isn’t necessarily the end of the world – just look at those Carillion chaps.
B. What’s ‘socialism’?
C. I suppose so, but wouldn’t slightly higher wages be a good thing?

Q7. Donald Trump is making America great again. Who do you think would make England great again?

A. Theresa May.
B. Boris Johnson.
C. Nigel Farage.
D. Whoever the leader of UKIP is this week.
E. Aha! Trick question! After Brexit, Trump will be in charge anyway!

Q8. Would you be able to generate a state-of-the-art social media campaign for the Tories?

A. What’s ‘social media’?
B. I think my niece’s boy has got one of those computer things.
C. Absolutely. Check out my profile on MySpace – I haven’t updated it lately, but it’s got some gifs and it’s probably the sort of thing you’re looking for. Just don’t click on the thing that says ‘My More Intimate Moments’.

Q9. What would you do if disaster struck and Corbyn won the next election?

A. Help Boris Johnson organise a US-backed military coup.
B. Help Nigel Farage organise a Russian-backed military coup.
C. Help David Cameron organise a Chinese-backed military coup.
D. Keep calm and carry on.

Q10. Finally, who said this: ‘Your representative owes you, not his industry only, but his judgment; and he betrays instead of serving you if he sacrifices it to your opinion.’?

A. I don’t know, but they’d bloody well better not sabotage Brexit.
B. Edmund Burke, the philosophical father of pragmatic, one-nation conservatism.
C. Nick Clegg?

Now check your score.

If you answered B to question 1, go away.

If you answered B to question 3, you are a Financial Times reader and an Enemy of the People.

If you answered C to question 6, you are a Corbynite. Your details have been forwarded to the relevant authorities.

If you answered A to question 7, you must be really stupid. I’m sorry, but look – if you’re going to be a member of the Conservative Party you have to realise that the Daily Mail is meant to be taken seriously but not literally. Sometimes I despair, I really do.

If you answered C to question 10, you are obviously a smart-arse with a sense of humour. We can do without that.


The correct answers are as follows:

Q1 – A or C; Q2 – A; Q3 – A or C; Q4 – C or D; Q5 – A, B or C; Q6 – A; Q7 – any answer except A; Q8 – B, I suppose – it’s the best we’re likely to get; Q9 – A, B or C; Q10 – A.

If you got them all right then you’re just the chap we’re looking for.

Welcome aboard to you and your lovely lady wife!

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Brexit Stamps!

Rejoice, everyone – having seen this headline in The Sun, Royal Mail have come to their senses and done their patriotic duty by coming up with a set of Brexit stamps! The stamps depict all of the wonderfulness we have come to expect of Brexit. Here are the top ten Brexit stamp images:

10. The gleaming £350m-a-week red bus.

9. Millions of swarthy Turkish migrants repelled from the beaches of Kent.

8. Triumphant queues of lorries on the M20.

7. Nigel Farage downing another pint.

6. A grinning Trump giving two thumbs up.

5. A tasty, chlorinated chicken.

4. Jolly Irish border guards performing hits from Riverdance.

3. The glorious celebration of a new trade pact with Papua New Guinea.

2. A long queue of plucky British tourists bravely waving their blue passports as they wait for hours to get into Belgium.

1. Prime Minister Boris Johnson smirking outside Number Ten.

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