- There will be much more money going into the NHS after Brexit.
Well, duh! Obviously, healthcare is going to get A LOT more expensive after we sell the NHS to Trump. But anyone with any sense has already loaded up on US private healthcare stocks, so no problem. What’s that? You can’t afford to speculate on the NASDAQ? Look, Brexit is all about standing on your own two feet. That’s what the People voted for.
- The Irish border is an imaginary problem.
Bit like Ireland itself, really. U2, Riverdance, James Joyce. All a bit of a jolly fiction. They’re not called the British Isles for nothing, you know. That chap with the funny name – calls himself the Tea Shack, or something – he’ll see sense eventually. If not, we’ll just have to send in the… Well, you know what I’m saying. It’s what the People voted for.
- We must not become a vassal state.
Well, not of the EU, ha-ha! But China, Russia, the US… Well, let’s be realistic, for once. They’re a lot more powerful than us. But if we’re nice to them, they’ll probably let us keep the Royal Family and the Cayman Islands. And that’s what Brexit is all about.
- Being in the EU is like being shackled to a corpse.
It’s like one of those awful Nordic Noir TV shows. All free childcare, refugees and workers’ rights! Well, we don’t want any of that here. We’re going to stick to Midsomer Murders, where the toffs worry about inheriting the big house and the plebs know their place. That’s the British Dream, and it’s what the People voted for.
- We need to take back control of our laws, our borders and our money.
Exactly. But did you see what we did there? Who’s we when we’re at home? People didn’t vote to take back control just to hand it over to all those whinging Remainers in Parliament. Or to those so-called experts at the Treasury and the CBI. Let alone those Brussels-loving, bleeding-heart constitutional lawyers. Or the citizens of nowhere in the big cities. Or the snowflake millennials. Or – God help us! – the traitor Corbyn and his rabble. So who does that leave? Jacob, Nigel and the patriotic press, basically. Look, we had a referendum. That’s democracy.
- We need the freedom to strike our own deals and be competitive.
Why should we have to play by the same rules as Germany, eh? It’s not fair. Who won the bloody war? Look, if they want to work hard, train and pay their workers properly, and flood the world with their cars, software and high-tech engineering, that’s their look-out. Why should we have to do it the hard way? All we need to do is deregulate the City, dump all those cushy workers’ rights, scrap all the job-killing environmental red tape – and Britain will boom. We’ll be the Singapore of Europe. Or possibly the Mexico. One of those. The People voted, you know.
- Staying in a customs union would be a betrayal of voters.
Well, technically, if you insist on being really anal about it, it’s true that, during the referendum campaign, we didn’t mention customs unions, or single markets, or the Irish border, or financial passporting, or VAT collection, or air traffic rules, or duplicating dozens of EU agencies, or pharmaceutical approvals, or… Look, shut up! The People have spoken! They can’t be expected to worry about customs unions and rules of origin! They know they’re being betrayed! Because we just told them so!
- Brexit isn’t going to be some Mad Max dystopian future.
Look, for a start, this global warming thing is grossly exaggerated. And Australia is crying out for a trade deal with us. There must be any number of things they can’t get from their neighbours in Asia that they can buy from us. Anyway, the whole point of Brexit is not to crash forward into the future, but to make Britain great again by recovering our glorious past. If we but reach out to the peoples of the Empire, we may rest assured that they will respond accordingly. That’s the promise of Brexit.
- We will continue to go on cheapo flights to stag parties in ancient cities.
They probably won’t let us in, though, the bastards – but that’s just typical of the petty, spiteful EU that’s always trying to do Britain down. Just tell them to stuff their cuisine and culture, and jet off to Florida instead. I hear that Mar-a-Lago is lovely at any time of year.
- Brexit means Brexit.
Yes, It’s a golden oldie, I know. And it’s all a bit metaphysical. But when I see a copy of the Daily Mail lying in a gutter, I want to tenderly pick it up and brush it down. When I hear some kids yelling at a Polish builder, it brings a glow to my heart. When Nigel Farage pops up on Question Time yet again, I know that something’s right with the world. When Donald Trump says he’s going to give us something big and beautiful, I feel that life’s worth living – so long as you’re not a migrant, or anything like that. When I visit London and it doesn’t feel quite so foreign as it used to, I walk with a spring in my step. When Theresa May tells me I’m a citizen of somewhere, I can almost believe her. And when Boris Johnson or Jacob Rees-Mogg says that there’s nothing to worry about – if you’re not poor, or sick, or disabled or whatever – and that we can look forward to living in the best and most British of all possible worlds, I feel as if transported into an antique world of wonder.
That’s the magic of Brexit. And it’s what the People voted for.