Top Ten Tory End-of-the-Pier Acts

Nnarghh! The Conservative Party seems to have devolved into a particularly awful End of the Pier Show. In fact, here are the…
Top Ten Tory End-of-the-Pier Acts:

10. Ventriloquism with Gavin ‘Stupid Boy’ Williamson and his talking spider, Cronus. You can’t see his lips move, except when he’s campaigning for the leadership! Listen with awe and hilarity as Cronus threatens Russia with nukes! Most popular catch-phrase: ‘Shut up and go away!’

9. Character-Comedy Monologues with Jacob ‘The Country Squire You Love to Hate’ Rees-Mogg. Best-loved character: the Member for the Eighteenth Century, with his hilarious pre-Enlightenment views! Tory policy may be a bit of a wasteland, but never mind – he do the police in different voices!

8. Conjuring and Sleight of Hand with Boris ‘Alexander de Bottle’ Johnson. Now you see it, now you don’t! Just like the £350m! Don’t lend him your watch, you’ll never get it back! Favourite trick: sawing Theresa May in half and putting her back together! Second favourite trick: responding ‘robustly’ to Russia. Brilliant at escapology (excluding Iran)! No, don’t boo, he’ll run away!

7. Flying Trapeze Artist, John ‘When Your Back’s to the Wall, Turn Around and Fight’ Major. It’s true that he ran away from the circus to become an accountant, but now he’s back in the ring, swinging high above those Brexit clowns, the Famous Bastard Brothers, and dumping you-know-what on them!

6. Old-Fashioned East End Pugilism with David ‘Fight of the Summer’ Davis. A battle-scarred prize fighter with absolutely no notches on his belt, he’ll go six rounds with all comers! With no preparation whatsoever! And with the predictable results!

5. Mind Reading, Frightful Apparitions and Occult Visions with Phil ‘The Undertaker’ Hammond and his crystal ball. He knows the future! And he knows what you’re thinking! Yes, this Brexit thing is going to end very badly! But do not despair – with his spells and incantations, and a bit of help from the global economy, we might not be totally doomed!

4. Tall Tales from Exotic Lands, illustrated via Magic Lantern, with Intrepid Explorer Liam ‘I’ll Be Needing Two Seats’ Fox. Thrill to stories from the far reaches of the Empire; of gold, jewels and ivory – just there for the taking; and of bizarre and mysterious potentates, such as the Mighty Trump of the West and the Meddlesome Vlad of the East! You’ll believe in two-headed flying camels! And trade deals that can replace the EU!

3. Knife Throwing with David ‘I Think I’ll Be Good at It’ Cameron, and his glamorous international assistant George ‘Gizza Job’ Osborne. Every time he hits the spinning target without impaling George, a Russian oligarch donates £100k to the Tory Party! Hurrah! And such confidence – he can even do it blindfolded! What could go wrong? Oops…

2. What the Butler Saw, with Raffish Old-School Raconteur Damien ‘PornHub’ Green. Ooh-la-la! Is it really like that in Downing Street, or is it more like the Joe Orton play?

1. Musical Hall Artiste of Yesteryear and Songbird-in-a-Gilded-Cage, Theresa ‘Maybe It’s Because I’m a Blunderer’ May. Chaste and aloof, the Ice Princess all the way from Maidenhead! No innuendo, no smut, no smile, no dancing nor flash of ankle, and no idea what she’s singing about. Just the leopard-print shoes and her unchanging catalogue of timeless and well-worn standards: ‘Nothing Has Changed’, ‘Let Me Be Clear’, ‘Brexit Means Brexit’, ‘A Britain That Works for Everyone’, ‘Just About Managing’, ‘The People Have Spoken’, and so on and on and on…

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Top Ten WMD Nasties Currently Stored in the Bunkers at Porton Down

10. Farage Gas. Produces blindness, headaches, crippling attacks of jingoism and an aversion to public transport. Now banned everywhere except the US, Russia and the BBC, although for many years it was unwittingly subsidised by the EU.

9. Johnsonium. Highly radioactive and easily dispersed via TV and print media, Johnsonium decays into different isotopes depending on which way the fallout from the Tory leadership fight is blowing.

8. Cameranthrax. Spread by spores typically incubated in a hot, steamy right-wing environment. Causes nausea, vomiting and verbal diarrhoea, mostly on account of the way the host organism walks away without suffering any personal ill effects whatsoever.

7. Govichuk. A mere trace of this nerve agent is enough to kill off any Tory leadership campaign.

6. Thatcherium. An extremely toxic element, originally synthesised in the US, with a very long half-life. Because of the way it interferes with the DNA of all public life, it is all but impossible to eradicate, once contamination has occurred. Will explode violently if brought into contact with trade unionism or civilised values.

5. Botulinum Europhobia. Produces foaming at the mouth, double standards, hot-headedness, flashbacks, and an irrational fear of foreigners. The only known cure is a diet consisting of nothing but British haddock (or kippers).

4. Turkish Flu. Resistant to all known antibiotics or facts, this highly contagious flu virus causes lurid hallucinations – typically of hordes of migrants crossing the English Channel – followed by severe amnesia.

3. NHVX. This agent destroys a health system by constricting the flow of vital funding. Side effects include exhaustion, despondency, poverty and death.

2. Austerium. Experiments, theory and history have all shown conclusively that the effects of this substance on 99% of the population are entirely harmful and destructive. However, for some reason, research continues to be funded.

1. Maydon. A colourless, odourless, radioactive gas that occurs naturally under certain geological conditions – such as strata of extreme inequality or deposits of Tory schist. In sufficient concentrations in confined spaces – such as the corridors of Westminster – it induces paralysis and narcolepsy, along with acute feelings of inadequacy, persecution and fatalism. Death comes slowly and painfully, although the body may appear to function long after the brain has putrefied.

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Top Ten Tips from a Former Top MI6 Spook: What YOU Can Do NOW to Stop the Traitor Corbyn Seizing Power by Winning the Next Election

(From an upcoming pull-out special in the Daily Telegraph.)

10. Allotments. Subversives like Corbyn like to use ‘allotments’ to avoid surveillance. In the somewhat unlikely event that you know of someone with an allotment – they’re usually lower-class and may live in a ‘council’ house – make sure to plant a bug in their shed (see Reader Offer below) and send us your recordings.

9. Horses. When Corbyn stages his coup, by ‘getting the most votes’, we’ll need to mobilise. The Reds will act fast to take control of the CCTV and ANPR networks, so we’ll need to avoid motorised transport. Get in touch with your local hunt and make arrangements. Ex-police horses are usually best.

8. Guns. We’re talking to Trump’s people about this. You normally need to be 18 to get an AR-15, but Trump may waive the rules in the face of the Corbynite threat.

7. Fashion. Even counter-revolutionaries need to look their best as they man (or woman!) the barricades. Do look at our special feature on what the Country Set are wearing to defy Corbyn.

6. Media. We’ll be just fine with Sky and the BBC (and the papers, of course!), but Channel Four could be a problem. Get on to Ofcom and help us get Jon Snow, Michael Crick and the other trouble-makers moved up North, which is where we’ll send all the subversives once democracy is restored.

5. Money. Betting against Corbyn is the best investment you can make (after Buy-to-Let, water company shares and offshore), so send us your cash and we’ll invest it for you in our anti-Corbyn hedge fund (managed by Anthony ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci). Bitcoin gleefully accepted!

4. Russia. Some of you may still believe that Russia is ‘communist’. But we’ve had a word with Steve Bannon, and it turns out that Vladimir Putin is actually a traditional-values conservative. Yes, it’s true! What’s more, he’s very keen on Brexit and he’s told all his ‘oligarch’ friends to donate to the Tory Party! So keep the back door unlocked, if you know what we’re saying. After all, what’s a bit of nerve agent between friends?

3. The EU. Corbyn poses as a ‘Eurosceptic’, but he hates Britain, so it stands to reason that he must be in league with Brussels. We’ll need to guard against invasion. Gavin Williamson, Liam Fox and Jacob Rees-Mogg will be organising a Dad’s Army-style guerrilla outfit. Contact your local golf club for details.

2. The Royal Family. Obviously, the Royals will be one of Corbyn’s first targets. We will need to hide them until the fuss blows over. If you have a spare castle, moated estate or manor house, please get in touch.

1. Democracy. After the Corbyn threat is despatched, we’ll need to restore democracy in accordance with the Brexit vote. If you fancy a seat in the reformed House of Commons, it’s not too soon to be thinking about your donation. Remember, democracy is just like the property market – you get what you pay for, the south east is way more expensive than the rest, and you can look forward to handing on your assets, tax-free, to your children. On with the revolution!

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