Nnarghh! The Conservative Party seems to have devolved into a particularly awful End of the Pier Show. In fact, here are the…
Top Ten Tory End-of-the-Pier Acts:
10. Ventriloquism with Gavin ‘Stupid Boy’ Williamson and his talking spider, Cronus. You can’t see his lips move, except when he’s campaigning for the leadership! Listen with awe and hilarity as Cronus threatens Russia with nukes! Most popular catch-phrase: ‘Shut up and go away!’
9. Character-Comedy Monologues with Jacob ‘The Country Squire You Love to Hate’ Rees-Mogg. Best-loved character: the Member for the Eighteenth Century, with his hilarious pre-Enlightenment views! Tory policy may be a bit of a wasteland, but never mind – he do the police in different voices!
8. Conjuring and Sleight of Hand with Boris ‘Alexander de Bottle’ Johnson. Now you see it, now you don’t! Just like the £350m! Don’t lend him your watch, you’ll never get it back! Favourite trick: sawing Theresa May in half and putting her back together! Second favourite trick: responding ‘robustly’ to Russia. Brilliant at escapology (excluding Iran)! No, don’t boo, he’ll run away!
7. Flying Trapeze Artist, John ‘When Your Back’s to the Wall, Turn Around and Fight’ Major. It’s true that he ran away from the circus to become an accountant, but now he’s back in the ring, swinging high above those Brexit clowns, the Famous Bastard Brothers, and dumping you-know-what on them!
6. Old-Fashioned East End Pugilism with David ‘Fight of the Summer’ Davis. A battle-scarred prize fighter with absolutely no notches on his belt, he’ll go six rounds with all comers! With no preparation whatsoever! And with the predictable results!
5. Mind Reading, Frightful Apparitions and Occult Visions with Phil ‘The Undertaker’ Hammond and his crystal ball. He knows the future! And he knows what you’re thinking! Yes, this Brexit thing is going to end very badly! But do not despair – with his spells and incantations, and a bit of help from the global economy, we might not be totally doomed!
4. Tall Tales from Exotic Lands, illustrated via Magic Lantern, with Intrepid Explorer Liam ‘I’ll Be Needing Two Seats’ Fox. Thrill to stories from the far reaches of the Empire; of gold, jewels and ivory – just there for the taking; and of bizarre and mysterious potentates, such as the Mighty Trump of the West and the Meddlesome Vlad of the East! You’ll believe in two-headed flying camels! And trade deals that can replace the EU!
3. Knife Throwing with David ‘I Think I’ll Be Good at It’ Cameron, and his glamorous international assistant George ‘Gizza Job’ Osborne. Every time he hits the spinning target without impaling George, a Russian oligarch donates £100k to the Tory Party! Hurrah! And such confidence – he can even do it blindfolded! What could go wrong? Oops…
2. What the Butler Saw, with Raffish Old-School Raconteur Damien ‘PornHub’ Green. Ooh-la-la! Is it really like that in Downing Street, or is it more like the Joe Orton play?
1. Musical Hall Artiste of Yesteryear and Songbird-in-a-Gilded-Cage, Theresa ‘Maybe It’s Because I’m a Blunderer’ May. Chaste and aloof, the Ice Princess all the way from Maidenhead! No innuendo, no smut, no smile, no dancing nor flash of ankle, and no idea what she’s singing about. Just the leopard-print shoes and her unchanging catalogue of timeless and well-worn standards: ‘Nothing Has Changed’, ‘Let Me Be Clear’, ‘Brexit Means Brexit’, ‘A Britain That Works for Everyone’, ‘Just About Managing’, ‘The People Have Spoken’, and so on and on and on…