10. Allotments. Subversives like Corbyn like to use ‘allotments’ to avoid surveillance. In the somewhat unlikely event that you know of someone with an allotment – they’re usually lower-class and may live in a ‘council’ house – make sure to plant a bug in their shed (see Reader Offer below) and send us your recordings.
9. Horses. When Corbyn stages his coup, by ‘getting the most votes’, we’ll need to mobilise. The Reds will act fast to take control of the CCTV and ANPR networks, so we’ll need to avoid motorised transport. Get in touch with your local hunt and make arrangements. Ex-police horses are usually best.
8. Guns. We’re talking to Trump’s people about this. You normally need to be 18 to get an AR-15, but Trump may waive the rules in the face of the Corbynite threat.
7. Fashion. Even counter-revolutionaries need to look their best as they man (or woman!) the barricades. Do look at our special feature on what the Country Set are wearing to defy Corbyn.
6. Media. We’ll be just fine with Sky and the BBC (and the papers, of course!), but Channel Four could be a problem. Get on to Ofcom and help us get Jon Snow, Michael Crick and the other trouble-makers moved up North, which is where we’ll send all the subversives once democracy is restored.
5. Money. Betting against Corbyn is the best investment you can make (after Buy-to-Let, water company shares and offshore), so send us your cash and we’ll invest it for you in our anti-Corbyn hedge fund (managed by Anthony ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci). Bitcoin gleefully accepted!
4. Russia. Some of you may still believe that Russia is ‘communist’. But we’ve had a word with Steve Bannon, and it turns out that Vladimir Putin is actually a traditional-values conservative. Yes, it’s true! What’s more, he’s very keen on Brexit and he’s told all his ‘oligarch’ friends to donate to the Tory Party! So keep the back door unlocked, if you know what we’re saying. After all, what’s a bit of nerve agent between friends?
3. The EU. Corbyn poses as a ‘Eurosceptic’, but he hates Britain, so it stands to reason that he must be in league with Brussels. We’ll need to guard against invasion. Gavin Williamson, Liam Fox and Jacob Rees-Mogg will be organising a Dad’s Army-style guerrilla outfit. Contact your local golf club for details.
2. The Royal Family. Obviously, the Royals will be one of Corbyn’s first targets. We will need to hide them until the fuss blows over. If you have a spare castle, moated estate or manor house, please get in touch.
1. Democracy. After the Corbyn threat is despatched, we’ll need to restore democracy in accordance with the Brexit vote. If you fancy a seat in the reformed House of Commons, it’s not too soon to be thinking about your donation. Remember, democracy is just like the property market – you get what you pay for, the south east is way more expensive than the rest, and you can look forward to handing on your assets, tax-free, to your children. On with the revolution!