Top Ten WMD Nasties Currently Stored in the Bunkers at Porton Down

10. Farage Gas. Produces blindness, headaches, crippling attacks of jingoism and an aversion to public transport. Now banned everywhere except the US, Russia and the BBC, although for many years it was unwittingly subsidised by the EU.

9. Johnsonium. Highly radioactive and easily dispersed via TV and print media, Johnsonium decays into different isotopes depending on which way the fallout from the Tory leadership fight is blowing.

8. Cameranthrax. Spread by spores typically incubated in a hot, steamy right-wing environment. Causes nausea, vomiting and verbal diarrhoea, mostly on account of the way the host organism walks away without suffering any personal ill effects whatsoever.

7. Govichuk. A mere trace of this nerve agent is enough to kill off any Tory leadership campaign.

6. Thatcherium. An extremely toxic element, originally synthesised in the US, with a very long half-life. Because of the way it interferes with the DNA of all public life, it is all but impossible to eradicate, once contamination has occurred. Will explode violently if brought into contact with trade unionism or civilised values.

5. Botulinum Europhobia. Produces foaming at the mouth, double standards, hot-headedness, flashbacks, and an irrational fear of foreigners. The only known cure is a diet consisting of nothing but British haddock (or kippers).

4. Turkish Flu. Resistant to all known antibiotics or facts, this highly contagious flu virus causes lurid hallucinations – typically of hordes of migrants crossing the English Channel – followed by severe amnesia.

3. NHVX. This agent destroys a health system by constricting the flow of vital funding. Side effects include exhaustion, despondency, poverty and death.

2. Austerium. Experiments, theory and history have all shown conclusively that the effects of this substance on 99% of the population are entirely harmful and destructive. However, for some reason, research continues to be funded.

1. Maydon. A colourless, odourless, radioactive gas that occurs naturally under certain geological conditions – such as strata of extreme inequality or deposits of Tory schist. In sufficient concentrations in confined spaces – such as the corridors of Westminster – it induces paralysis and narcolepsy, along with acute feelings of inadequacy, persecution and fatalism. Death comes slowly and painfully, although the body may appear to function long after the brain has putrefied.

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