Theresa May’s Hostile Environment – The Top Ten Ways YOU Can Help

10. ‘Show me your papers!’ Yes, memorise that phrase! If you’re out and about – on your way to Gregg’s say, or Iceland – and you see someone who doesn’t look like they ought to be here, rush up to them and utter those words as sternly as you can. If they look frightened and run away, pat yourself on the back. If they don’t, call the free Home Office Hotline on 0-800-STASI.

9. Stay informed. Keep up to date on who’s welcome in Britain and who’s not by reading the Express, the Mail or the Telegraph. From time to time, you may hear on the BBC that ‘mistakes were made’ or that ‘too much emphasis was put on policy’. You can ignore all that.

8. Organise. Show some community spirit and set up a neighbourhood watch! Every group that catches at least one illegal immigrant will win ‘Make Britain Great Again’ baseball hats for everyone in the group. The group that catches the most will be presented with a special trophy at the Tory Party conference. And remember – if there’s any violence, you can always say you thought they were a burglar.

7. Vote. Don’t bother voting for UKIP any more – the Tories have adopted all their best policies! And remember, Labour only hate the Jews – not the people you’re worried about.

6. Passports. Make sure you apply for your new blue passport as soon as possible. If you still have an old EU one after Brexit, you’ll be classified as a Remainer and will be subject to deportation to Belgium.

5. Children. What if you know someone who doesn’t look very British, but still seems to have all their paperwork in order? Well, think laterally! Do they have children? Do THEY have all the right documents? Get creative!

4. Money. Thanks to EU spite and sabotage, money could be tight after Brexit. But detention centres don’t grow on trees! Consider organising a sponsored run through areas where there are lots of immigrants. Make some noise! Think about carrying flaming torches. You never know who you might flush out. Or find an empty field in Lincolnshire and set up your own concentration camp!

3. Jobs. Somewhere, somehow, there’s a migrant, or someone who doesn’t seem at all British, who has a better job than you. Is that fair? Your mission is to replace them. Who dares wins!

2. Culture. Thanks to Labour, the EU, and political correctness, our culture has been far too welcoming. What’s wrong with traditional British culture, anyway? Write to the TV companies and demand that they immediately start reruns of ‘Love Thy Neighbour’, ‘It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum!’ and ‘The Black-and-White Minstrel Show’.

1. Patriotism. Theresa May needs your help in facing down the Citizens of Nowhere. As you know, they are the ones to blame for everything you don’t like. Now, no one’s saying we need to turn Britain into Nazi Germany – well, not yet, anyway! – but that doesn’t mean that if you see someone reading the Financial Times or The Guardian you shouldn’t give them a dirty look. And as for the New European… Well, enough said. And where’s the harm in asking someone where they’re from if they don’t look British? You’re just taking a friendly, patriotic interest. Remember, the Prime Minister’s goal is to create a Hostile Environment that we can all feel at home in. But that doesn’t mean that being patriotic can’t also be fun! So long as you’re really British, of course.

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