Top Ten Ways in Which Jeremy Corbyn Will Not Become Prime Minister Even If He Wins

Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party may well win the most votes at the next election – and, quite possibly, the most seats. But fear not: should such a disaster occur, there are ways of getting around it and saving the nation for Capitalism:

10. The Liberal Democrats suddenly decide to form another coalition with the Tories. Nobody sees this coming. They still don’t have the numbers, but the media says that ‘once again Britain has voted for coalition government’, and the Queen summons Jacob Rees-Mogg to the Palace because he looks and sounds about right, like Cameron did. The Lib Dems promise to restrain the Tories’ extremism. But they don’t. Nobody sees this coming.

9. Anti-Corbyn Labour MPs defect, having just won their seats under Corbyn’s leadership, declaring that they are shocked – shocked! – to discover his hitherto-secret true agenda, which has only now been exposed in the Tory papers.

8. The Queen – or, more likely, one of her minions – declares that Corbyn ‘is not in a position, alas, to form a government’. It turns out that his allotment has been inspected and his radishes are not up to scratch. Or something.

7. An ‘honest mistake’ by the Bank of England sends the markets into turmoil and causes the pound to plunge on the foreign exchange markets. The outgoing Tory government declares a State of Emergency and puts the election result ‘on hold’ until ‘stability is restored’. Which just seems to take forever.

6. A mysterious letter is discovered, in which the head of the Russian FSB accepts Corbyn’s proposal that he be supplied with free potatoes and vodka in return for dropping all UK sanctions against Russia, plus handing over Bill Browder and the Skripals.

5. Trump declares war on Iran. Or possibly North Korea. Or possibly Canada. The outgoing Tory government declares a State of Emergency and forms a ‘National Government’ from which all alleged ‘conscientious objectors’ are excluded.

4. A suspected novichok attack on The Great British Bake Off causes the outgoing Tory government to declare a State of Emergency, etc, etc…

3. The Librarian at the House of Lords discovers an ancient parchment amendment to (the) Magna Carta which prohibits anyone called ‘Jeremy’ from coming within a hundred cubits of the Monarch. So Corbyn is dead out of luck, PM-wise.

2. Trump tweets that ‘millions of illegals’ voted for Corbyn and that ‘the greatest tariffs the world has ever seen’ will be levied on the UK if Corbyn is not disqualified. For the sake of the economy and just-about-managing voters, the post-Brexit outgoing Tory government has no choice but to reluctantly comply.

1. Between the Newsnight exit poll and the first result from Sunderland, the outgoing Tory administration, adopting a strategy used to great effect by US Republicans in North Carolina, transfers all the powers of the office of the Prime Minister to the hereditary members of the House of Lords. When Corbyn turns up for work at Number Ten, he finds that it has been converted into a Gentleman’s Club, and is refused admission on account of the dress code.

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Top Ten Reasons Why the New “Centre Party” Will Be Tons Better Than Labour or the Tories

10. Austerity. This new party – let’s call it the Centre Right Action Party – won’t continue austerity in mindless perpetuity, like the Tories; or recklessly abandon it, like Labour. We’ll end it the moment the poor and the working class get the right idea and do as they’re told.

9. Health. We won’t sell off the NHS to Trump and his cronies, like the Tories; nor will we bring it fully back into so-called “public ownership” at enormous expense to higher-rate taxpayers, like Labour. Instead, we’ll take the sensible and pragmatic approach of having a quiet word in private with that nice Mr Branson.

8. Foreign Policy. We won’t turn a blind eye to suffering in Yemen, like the Tories; or attack British industry, like Labour. We’ll make sure that all munitions we sell to Saudi Arabia have a sticker that says “This bomb is helping to preserve British jobs.”

7. Housing. Unlike the Tories, we won’t ignore the homeless; and, unlike Labour, we won’t attack Middle Britain by undermining house prices. Instead, we’ll make sure that each homeless family is offered an affordable tent in a field that we’ll rent from Tory or Lib Dem farmers.

6. Education. We won’t force all students to pay extortionate amounts for their education, like the Tories; nor will we let taxes on wealth-creators soar, like Labour, so that any old so-and-so get can an education for nothing. We’ll see to it that only nice, middle-class kids get the subsidised education they deserve.

5. Immigration. Far from demonising and tormenting all non-rich immigrants, like the Tories; or operating a socialist-style open-door policy for anyone who wants to come here and pay taxes, like Labour, we’ll institute a fair and balanced points system in which each sector of society gets the immigrants it needs: nannies, gardeners and housekeepers for upper-class Tories; footballers for working-class Labour voters; au pairs for the Lib Dems and us; and so on.

4. Crime and Justice. Unlike the Tories, we won’t let our prisons decay into Dickensian hell-holes or run down the police until they’re mere night watchmen; nor will we pamper criminals with cushy “rehabilitation” schemes and books in their cells, or hand out legal aid as if it grew on trees, like Labour. Instead, we’ll tackle crime head on by reinstituting foot patrols in nice, middle-class areas and fencing off the dodgy, crimey bits.

3. The Economy. We’ll put an end to the Tories’ rent-seeking, low-wage, financialised, spiv economy, but, unlike Labour, we won’t waste time hopelessly trying to copy non-British countries like Germany, Denmark and Norway in creating a high-productivity, export-based economy with proper worker training and less inequality. Instead, we’ll focus on what Britain does best: costume dramas, cake contests and housing bubbles – after all, they make us feel good, don’t they? Oh, and military hardware.

2. Trump. The Centre Right Action Party abhors Trump and all he stands for and, unlike the Tories, we’ll never suck up to him. However, we don’t want to insult him all the time, like Labour, because he can get a bit nasty. Once we are in government, however, we will respond to each new Trumpian outrage with a stern “Tsk!”, followed by “Please don’t hurt us.”

1. Brexit. Unlike the Tories, who hate everything to do with the EU – or Labour, who want some kind of People’s Socialist Federation of Europe* – our policy is entirely in tune with the views of the British people: we are going to leave, but not really; there will be a Brexit-in-name-only, but it will be a real Brexit; nothing will change with respect to our status as EU members, but we will not be EU members; we will keep the negotiations going interminably until everyone forgets about them, and then we will quietly drop the whole idea. (This is our best policy of all.)

(*The members, not the leadership, obviously.)

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