Top Ten Ways in Which Jeremy Corbyn Will Not Become Prime Minister Even If He Wins

Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party may well win the most votes at the next election – and, quite possibly, the most seats. But fear not: should such a disaster occur, there are ways of getting around it and saving the nation for Capitalism:

10. The Liberal Democrats suddenly decide to form another coalition with the Tories. Nobody sees this coming. They still don’t have the numbers, but the media says that ‘once again Britain has voted for coalition government’, and the Queen summons Jacob Rees-Mogg to the Palace because he looks and sounds about right, like Cameron did. The Lib Dems promise to restrain the Tories’ extremism. But they don’t. Nobody sees this coming.

9. Anti-Corbyn Labour MPs defect, having just won their seats under Corbyn’s leadership, declaring that they are shocked – shocked! – to discover his hitherto-secret true agenda, which has only now been exposed in the Tory papers.

8. The Queen – or, more likely, one of her minions – declares that Corbyn ‘is not in a position, alas, to form a government’. It turns out that his allotment has been inspected and his radishes are not up to scratch. Or something.

7. An ‘honest mistake’ by the Bank of England sends the markets into turmoil and causes the pound to plunge on the foreign exchange markets. The outgoing Tory government declares a State of Emergency and puts the election result ‘on hold’ until ‘stability is restored’. Which just seems to take forever.

6. A mysterious letter is discovered, in which the head of the Russian FSB accepts Corbyn’s proposal that he be supplied with free potatoes and vodka in return for dropping all UK sanctions against Russia, plus handing over Bill Browder and the Skripals.

5. Trump declares war on Iran. Or possibly North Korea. Or possibly Canada. The outgoing Tory government declares a State of Emergency and forms a ‘National Government’ from which all alleged ‘conscientious objectors’ are excluded.

4. A suspected novichok attack on The Great British Bake Off causes the outgoing Tory government to declare a State of Emergency, etc, etc…

3. The Librarian at the House of Lords discovers an ancient parchment amendment to (the) Magna Carta which prohibits anyone called ‘Jeremy’ from coming within a hundred cubits of the Monarch. So Corbyn is dead out of luck, PM-wise.

2. Trump tweets that ‘millions of illegals’ voted for Corbyn and that ‘the greatest tariffs the world has ever seen’ will be levied on the UK if Corbyn is not disqualified. For the sake of the economy and just-about-managing voters, the post-Brexit outgoing Tory government has no choice but to reluctantly comply.

1. Between the Newsnight exit poll and the first result from Sunderland, the outgoing Tory administration, adopting a strategy used to great effect by US Republicans in North Carolina, transfers all the powers of the office of the Prime Minister to the hereditary members of the House of Lords. When Corbyn turns up for work at Number Ten, he finds that it has been converted into a Gentleman’s Club, and is refused admission on account of the dress code.

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