* The Prime Minister congratulates President Trump on his landslide re-election following a ruling by the Supreme Court in which millions of illegal votes were disqualified.
A Downing Street spokesman for Mr Rees-Mogg said that Britain had backed the President all throughout his campaign, and now hoped and prayed that Mr Trump would re-think his complete ban on British exports. Mr Rees-Mogg is said by sources to believe that a comprehensive free-trade deal with the US may be only fifty years away. Downing Street had no comment to make about the imprisonment of Elizabeth Warren in Guantanamo, except to note that it was a domestic American matter.
* The British economy scales new heights.
The Office for Budget Responsibility, under its new Chairman, Iain Duncan-Smith, has announced that GDP per head has picked up markedly in the first quarter, and is now on course to match Greece within the foreseeable future.
* Corbyn refuses to admit mistakes.
Jeremy Corbyn, the former leader of the now-disbanded Labour Party, speaking from exile in Quito, Ecuador, has told local media that he had no idea that tanks would be deployed in the snap election, and that Labour’s National Executive Committee hadn’t even discussed the possibility. Asked to comment by the BBC, the leader of the opposition, Dominic Grieve said, ‘I didn’t agree with military intervention at the time but, clearly, Corbyn hasn’t learnt a thing.’
* Immigration drops to a record low.
Immigration into the UK has dropped to the lowest level ever recorded. The Home Secretary, Nigel Farage, told the BBC that this was cause for ‘great celebration and rejoicing’ and added that pubs would be permitted to stay open an extra hour on Andrew Adonis Day – formerly known as Guy Fawkes Day. Asked about rumours that the government had turned a blind eye to armies of ‘dark migrants’ smuggled in to pick crops, work in kitchens, and operate call centres, Mr Farage confirmed to the BBC that this was merely ‘fake news put about by the failing EU.’
* Japan boost for Brexit Britain.
The Chairman of the Japanese Keidanren business lobby, which includes such giants as Toyota and Panasonic, has said that Japanese firms have not ruled out a return to the UK, and that the relevant decisions will be taken in ‘the fullness of time.’
* Terrorist attack brings chaos to Paris.
The Foreign Secretary, Peter Bone, condemned the attack, but told the BBC that British intelligence could have thwarted the attack if only the EU hadn’t refused to give Britain access to the Single Market for goods.
* And, on a lighter note, a new BBC poll finds that the nation’s favourite food is now spam!
The presenter of the BBC’s Great British Spam-a-Lot, former Love Island contestant Heidi Crass, told the BBC, ‘Obviously, the show has a lot to do with it. And Brexit. But, obviously, there’s so much you can do with it! I mean, obviously, I live in LA now, and there aren’t any food shortages, obviously, but I still love my British spam! Obviously.’