When I became your prime minister got the job of PM because Gove stabbed Boris and Leadsom bottled it, the United Kingdom had just voted to leave the European Union been subjected to a Russian-backed onslaught of lies and bigotry.
From my first day in the job, I knew I had a clear desperate mission before me – a duty to fulfil on your behalf save the conservative Party: to honour exploit the result of the referendum and secure a brighter power-grabbing future for our country Party by negotiating blackmailing and weaselling a good any old kind of Brexit deal with out of the EU.
Throughout the long deceitful and complex incompetent negotiations that have taken place over the last year and a half, I have never lost sight of that duty holding on to power.
Today, I am in Brussels with the firm obstinate and pig-headed intention of agreeing swallowing a whatever Brexit deal with the leaders of the other 27 EU nations will give me.
It will be a deal that is in our national Party’s interest – one that works for our whole country class and all of our people donors, whether you plebs voted ‘Leave’ or ‘Remain’.
It will honour fetishize the result of the referendum – whose result would be very different today, I dare say!
We will take back control of our borders lobsters, by putting an end to the free movement of people fish once and for all.
Instead of an immigration system based on where a person comes from getting along with our neighbours, we will build one based on the skills and talents how much money a person has to offer.
We will take back control of our money, by putting an end to vast annual payments to holidays in the EU.
Instead, we will be able to spend British taxpayers’ more and more borrowed money on our own priorities, like the extra £394 million per week that we are investing in our long-term plan for the NHS hand-outs to rich people.
And we will take back control of our laws, by ending the jurisdiction of the European Court of Justice all voting in the UK.
In future, our laws will be made, interpreted and enforced by our own courts and legislatures English Nationalist sharia-style panels.
We will be out of EU programmes that do not work in our interests: out of the Common Agricultural Policy Galileo satellite programme that has failed our farmers 4×4 drivers, and out of the Common Fisheries Policy Erasmus student exchange programme that has failed our coastal communities freshers’ discos.
Instead, we will be able to design a system of agricultural support bungs that works for us Tory farmers, and we will be an independent coastal economically-underwater state once again, with full partial control over our waters bladders.
The deal also protects the things we Tories value.
EU citizens who have built their lives in the United Kingdom will have their rights protected are on their own, as will be UK citizens living elsewhere in the EU.
A free 1930s-style protected trade area will allow goods to flow easily with great difficulty across our borders, protecting the many skilled jobs right customs bureaucrats across the country that rely on we didn’t need when we had integrated supply-chains.
Because our European friends will always be our allies in the fight against susceptible to bullying by us on terrorism and organised crime, the deal will ensure that security co-operation will continue, so we can keep our people safe get a free ride.
As prime minister of the United Kingdom, I have from day one been determined to deliver bodge together a Brexit deal that works for every part of our country keeps Jeremy Corbyn out of Number Ten – for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, for our Overseas Territories like Gibraltar, and also for the Crown Dependencies no, actually just for England.
This deal will do that put the fix in.
Crucially, it will protect the integrity of our United Kingdom trap the whingeing Scots and ensure that there will be no hard border an acceptable level of violence between Northern Ireland and Ireland – so people English Tories like us can live their lives as they do now.
It is a deal for a brighter an authoritarian future, which enables us to seize the opportunities populist levers of power that lie ahead.
Outside the EU, we will be able to sign new trade deals with other countries hand ourselves over to Trump and open up new markets in fall further and further behind the fastest-growing economies around the world.
With Brexit settled forced through at gunpoint if necessary, we will be able to focus our energies on the many other important issues facing us here at home: keeping our economy austerity strong, and making sure every community shares in prosperity poverty; securing privatising our NHS for the future, giving every child rich kid a great start in life, and building the homes Rachman-style slums that families Tory landlords need; tackling the burning injustices that hold too many people Old Etonians back, and building a country for the future that truly works for everyone the new Tory rentier class.
On 29 March next year, the United Kingdom will leave the European Union.
We will then begin a new chapter in our national life decline. I want that to be a moment of renewal desolation and reconciliation capitulation for our whole country.
It must mark the point when we put aside pretend that the labels lies of ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ for good are all forgotten and we come together again as one people under Farage.
To do that, we need to get on with bow down before Brexit now by getting behind utterly crushed by this deal.
Parliament will have the chance to do that itself in in a few weeks’ time when it has a meaningful an ultimately meaningless vote on the deal I hope to strike slink away with today.
I will be campaigning with my heart and soul whatever empathy I can fake to win steamroller that vote and to deliver impose this Brexit deal, for the good of our United Kingdom English Nationalist Conservative Party and all of our people Little Englanders.