Scenario 1: Poisoned Chalice, Take One
Parliament votes down Theresa May’s “deal”, then narrowly approves a second referendum.
Remain wins the second referendum by a tiny margin.
May steps down.
The Tories hold a leadership election. Tory party members pick a hard Brexiter.
The new, hard-Brexit Tory government declares that the second referendum result is invalid because (a) there wasn’t a “no-deal” option; and (b) fewer people voted Remain in the second referendum than voted Leave in the first; and (c) lots of other bogus reasons.
The Conservative Party splits.
The new hard-Brexit Tory government loses a no-confidence vote.
Labour wins the ensuing general election, promising to “respect the results” of BOTH referendums.
The new Labour government takes office.
It then discovers that it can’t agree what to do.
And the Article 50 clock is still ticking.
Scenario 2: Poisoned Chalice, Take Two
Parliament votes down Theresa May’s “deal”, then approves a second referendum.
Remain wins the second referendum by a large margin.
May steps down.
The Tories hold a leadership election. Tory party members pick a hard Brexiter.
The Conservative Party splits.
The new hard-Brexit Tory government loses a no-confidence vote.
With the assistance of the Putin-Facebook-Trump axis, as well as the newspapers, the BBC and the Corbyn-fearing establishment, the new-look, far-right Conservative Party wins a landslide.
And finds itself in charge of implementing the Will of the People – to stay in the EU.
Scenario 3: Yellow Vests
Parliament votes down all the options that anyone can think of.
Article 50 expires; the UK crashes out of the EU without a withdrawal agreement.
Almost immediately there are shortages of food, medicines – and fuel.
A populist, French-style “Gilet Jaunes” protest movement erupts.
But there aren’t enough yellow vests to go around – they all have to be imported from France.
Under pressure from angry populist mobs, Theresa May is forced to apply for emergency readmission to the EU in order to get vest imports moving again.
Scenario 4: Abdication Crisis
Taking her constitutional duty seriously during a time of political crisis, the Queen phones the Beeb and says she wants to address her subjects.
The Beeb instantly gives her a slot just before Strictly (or Countryfile or whatever).
The nation tunes in. “Good evening,” says her Majesty. She probably has a corgi on her lap, but it’s not essential. “One has gorn orff Brexit. That is all.” The dog – if there is one – says “arf”.
Politicians – all except for the hardest of the hard Brexiters – fall over themselves to agree that yes, they too have gone off Brexit, and that the Queen, naturally, is channelling the Will of the People.
So Parliament cancels Brexit.
The Brexiters, and certain newspapers which hitherto were staunchly Royalist, denounce the Queen as an Enemy of the People.
Social media instantly fills with Royal kompromat.
The Queen steps down in disgust. Charles takes over. Vast sums of money are spent on a coronation meant to ‘cheer up the nation’.
The kompromat keeps coming.
Charles abdicates and flees to Botswana.
The Brexiters declare that Oliver Cromwell was right after all and seize Parliament.
Civil war ensues.
Scenario 5: The Iraq Option
Tory hard-Brexiters bring down their own government in a no-confidence vote.
A general election is scheduled.
Before the vote takes place, however, John Bolton and Mike Pompeo arrange for Boris Johnson to address the UN Security Council.
Johnson presents incontrovertible evidence that Jeremy Corbyn has built up a secret stockpile of WMD – provided by Iran and Venezuela. Johnson pleads for US assistance in facilitating “a new birth of freedom”.
Trump immediately sends US military “advisors” and “peace-keepers” to the UK, in a mission called “Operation Enduring Brexit”.
A “Provisional Wing” of Momentum is formed.
Trump appoints Steve Bannon as Viceroy of the new UK “Coalition Provisional Authority”, to Johnson’s disappointment.
Tunbridge Wells becomes the new Falluja.
Scenario 6: London Secedes
Theresa May actually wins the meaningful vote on her deal, through some mysterious means that baffles historians for decades to come.
Giddy with vindication and hubris, she reverts to type and plays her hits, denouncing “citizens of nowhere”, “cosmopolitans” and “multi-culturalists”, and promising to deport anyone who looks “too foreign”.
A list of potential deportees is leaked to The Guardian.
Finding himself on the list, London Mayor Sadiq Khan, to great popular acclaim in the metropolis, declares London to be an independent city state within the EU. Kind of like San Marino, only bigger.
The M25 becomes an international border.
Gun boats patrol the Thames to keep vital sea routes open and guard against Brexiter saboteurs and pirates.
Passport and customs checks begin at South Mimms.
Scenario 7: Global Britain
The hard Brexiters depose Theresa May and take charge.
Parliament votes against a “no-deal” Brexit, but the new PM, Jacob Rees-Mogg, invokes a clause in an obscure treaty from the 12th century that rules that Parliament can only debate in Latin.
While MPs struggle to learn Latin, Article 50 expires and the UK crashes out of the EU without a withdrawal agreement.
The new government abolishes all tariffs and all regulations affecting businesses, workers and capital, as well as nearly all government departments.
Too general amazement, investment pours in from across the world and Britain becomes the “Singapore of Europe”.
But then a SARS-type virus – later traced to a contaminated shipment of dollars from Panama – slips into the country.
And, because there is no longer an NHS, or a Department of Health, everyone dies.
Scenario 8: Ireland’s Revenge
Theresa May wins the meaningful vote (see Scenario 6).
But negotiations with the EU during the “implementation period” go nowhere, and the “Irish Backstop” takes effect.
Anti-Irish agitation in the Brexity north of England provokes a pro-Irish backlash in the southeast.
Violence breaks out and escalates.
The southeast pleads for Irish assistance.
Irish peace-keeping troops arrive as part of a UN-mandated mission.
A popular plebiscite in the southeast is held.
The southeast votes to become part of Ireland.
The counties of the north form the province of “Northern England”, which becomes a poverty-stricken US Territory, like Puerto Rico.
Scenario 9: It Was All A Dream
David Cameron wakes up in a cold sweat inside his luxury shepherd’s hut to discover, to his surprise, that it is 2018 and he is still Prime Minister.
“Phew,” he thinks, “thank God it was just a nightmare!”
But then he picks up the Daily Telegraph and reads that Tory hardliners are plotting to remove him and UKIP is stealing Tory voters.
“Why won’t they stop banging on about Europe, like I told them to!” he fumes.
Then he reflects for a moment and decides that, for the sake of the Conservative Party, he must sacrifice himself and go ahead with the referendum.
Scenario 10: Zombie Apocalypse
Despite the urgent warnings of Theresa May, the Conservative newspapers, the BBC and establishment commentators that it will unleash “dark forces”, a second referendum is held.
Dogs begin to howl. Cats hide under the furniture.
The spectre of Enoch Powell flits across the landscape.
David Cameron takes a sudden, unplanned holiday in the Maldives.
Deceased Leave voters rise from the dead.
The Zombie Apocalypse commences.
When I became your prime minister got the job of PM because Gove stabbed Boris and Leadsom bottled it, the United Kingdom had just voted to leave the European Union been subjected to a Russian-backed onslaught of lies and bigotry.
From my first day in the job, I knew I had a clear desperate mission before me – a duty to fulfil on your behalf save the conservative Party: to honour exploit the result of the referendum and secure a brighter power-grabbing future for our country Party by negotiating blackmailing and weaselling a good any old kind of Brexit deal with out of the EU.
Throughout the long deceitful and complex incompetent negotiations that have taken place over the last year and a half, I have never lost sight of that duty holding on to power.
Today, I am in Brussels with the firm obstinate and pig-headed intention of agreeing swallowing a whatever Brexit deal with the leaders of the other 27 EU nations will give me.
It will be a deal that is in our national Party’s interest – one that works for our whole country class and all of our people donors, whether you plebs voted ‘Leave’ or ‘Remain’.
It will honour fetishize the result of the referendum – whose result would be very different today, I dare say!
We will take back control of our borders lobsters, by putting an end to the free movement of people fish once and for all.
Instead of an immigration system based on where a person comes from getting along with our neighbours, we will build one based on the skills and talents how much money a person has to offer.
We will take back control of our money, by putting an end to vast annual payments to holidays in the EU.
Instead, we will be able to spend British taxpayers’ more and more borrowed money on our own priorities, like the extra £394 million per week that we are investing in our long-term plan for the NHS hand-outs to rich people.
And we will take back control of our laws, by ending the jurisdiction of the European Court of Justice all voting in the UK.
In future, our laws will be made, interpreted and enforced by our own courts and legislatures English Nationalist sharia-style panels.
We will be out of EU programmes that do not work in our interests: out of the Common Agricultural Policy Galileo satellite programme that has failed our farmers 4×4 drivers, and out of the Common Fisheries Policy Erasmus student exchange programme that has failed our coastal communities freshers’ discos.
Instead, we will be able to design a system of agricultural support bungs that works for us Tory farmers, and we will be an independent coastal economically-underwater state once again, with full partial control over our waters bladders.
The deal also protects the things we Tories value.
EU citizens who have built their lives in the United Kingdom will have their rights protected are on their own, as will be UK citizens living elsewhere in the EU.
A free 1930s-style protected trade area will allow goods to flow easily with great difficulty across our borders, protecting the many skilled jobs right customs bureaucrats across the country that rely on we didn’t need when we had integrated supply-chains.
Because our European friends will always be our allies in the fight against susceptible to bullying by us on terrorism and organised crime, the deal will ensure that security co-operation will continue, so we can keep our people safe get a free ride.
As prime minister of the United Kingdom, I have from day one been determined to deliver bodge together a Brexit deal that works for every part of our country keeps Jeremy Corbyn out of Number Ten – for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, for our Overseas Territories like Gibraltar, and also for the Crown Dependencies no, actually just for England.
This deal will do that put the fix in.
Crucially, it will protect the integrity of our United Kingdom trap the whingeing Scots and ensure that there will be no hard border an acceptable level of violence between Northern Ireland and Ireland – so people English Tories like us can live their lives as they do now.
It is a deal for a brighter an authoritarian future, which enables us to seize the opportunities populist levers of power that lie ahead.
Outside the EU, we will be able to sign new trade deals with other countries hand ourselves over to Trump and open up new markets in fall further and further behind the fastest-growing economies around the world.
With Brexit settled forced through at gunpoint if necessary, we will be able to focus our energies on the many other important issues facing us here at home: keeping our economy austerity strong, and making sure every community shares in prosperity poverty; securing privatising our NHS for the future, giving every child rich kid a great start in life, and building the homes Rachman-style slums that families Tory landlords need; tackling the burning injustices that hold too many people Old Etonians back, and building a country for the future that truly works for everyone the new Tory rentier class.
On 29 March next year, the United Kingdom will leave the European Union.
We will then begin a new chapter in our national life decline. I want that to be a moment of renewal desolation and reconciliation capitulation for our whole country.
It must mark the point when we put aside pretend that the labels lies of ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ for good are all forgotten and we come together again as one people under Farage.
To do that, we need to get on with bow down before Brexit now by getting behind utterly crushed by this deal.
Parliament will have the chance to do that itself in in a few weeks’ time when it has a meaningful an ultimately meaningless vote on the deal I hope to strike slink away with today.
I will be campaigning with my heart and soul whatever empathy I can fake to win steamroller that vote and to deliver impose this Brexit deal, for the good of our United Kingdom English Nationalist Conservative Party and all of our people Little Englanders.
* The Prime Minister congratulates President Trump on his landslide re-election following a ruling by the Supreme Court in which millions of illegal votes were disqualified.
A Downing Street spokesman for Mr Rees-Mogg said that Britain had backed the President all throughout his campaign, and now hoped and prayed that Mr Trump would re-think his complete ban on British exports. Mr Rees-Mogg is said by sources to believe that a comprehensive free-trade deal with the US may be only fifty years away. Downing Street had no comment to make about the imprisonment of Elizabeth Warren in Guantanamo, except to note that it was a domestic American matter.
* The British economy scales new heights.
The Office for Budget Responsibility, under its new Chairman, Iain Duncan-Smith, has announced that GDP per head has picked up markedly in the first quarter, and is now on course to match Greece within the foreseeable future.
* Corbyn refuses to admit mistakes.
Jeremy Corbyn, the former leader of the now-disbanded Labour Party, speaking from exile in Quito, Ecuador, has told local media that he had no idea that tanks would be deployed in the snap election, and that Labour’s National Executive Committee hadn’t even discussed the possibility. Asked to comment by the BBC, the leader of the opposition, Dominic Grieve said, ‘I didn’t agree with military intervention at the time but, clearly, Corbyn hasn’t learnt a thing.’
* Immigration drops to a record low.
Immigration into the UK has dropped to the lowest level ever recorded. The Home Secretary, Nigel Farage, told the BBC that this was cause for ‘great celebration and rejoicing’ and added that pubs would be permitted to stay open an extra hour on Andrew Adonis Day – formerly known as Guy Fawkes Day. Asked about rumours that the government had turned a blind eye to armies of ‘dark migrants’ smuggled in to pick crops, work in kitchens, and operate call centres, Mr Farage confirmed to the BBC that this was merely ‘fake news put about by the failing EU.’
* Japan boost for Brexit Britain.
The Chairman of the Japanese Keidanren business lobby, which includes such giants as Toyota and Panasonic, has said that Japanese firms have not ruled out a return to the UK, and that the relevant decisions will be taken in ‘the fullness of time.’
* Terrorist attack brings chaos to Paris.
The Foreign Secretary, Peter Bone, condemned the attack, but told the BBC that British intelligence could have thwarted the attack if only the EU hadn’t refused to give Britain access to the Single Market for goods.
* And, on a lighter note, a new BBC poll finds that the nation’s favourite food is now spam!
The presenter of the BBC’s Great British Spam-a-Lot, former Love Island contestant Heidi Crass, told the BBC, ‘Obviously, the show has a lot to do with it. And Brexit. But, obviously, there’s so much you can do with it! I mean, obviously, I live in LA now, and there aren’t any food shortages, obviously, but I still love my British spam! Obviously.’
Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party may well win the most votes at the next election – and, quite possibly, the most seats. But fear not: should such a disaster occur, there are ways of getting around it and saving the nation for Capitalism:
10. The Liberal Democrats suddenly decide to form another coalition with the Tories. Nobody sees this coming. They still don’t have the numbers, but the media says that ‘once again Britain has voted for coalition government’, and the Queen summons Jacob Rees-Mogg to the Palace because he looks and sounds about right, like Cameron did. The Lib Dems promise to restrain the Tories’ extremism. But they don’t. Nobody sees this coming.
9. Anti-Corbyn Labour MPs defect, having just won their seats under Corbyn’s leadership, declaring that they are shocked – shocked! – to discover his hitherto-secret true agenda, which has only now been exposed in the Tory papers.
8. The Queen – or, more likely, one of her minions – declares that Corbyn ‘is not in a position, alas, to form a government’. It turns out that his allotment has been inspected and his radishes are not up to scratch. Or something.
7. An ‘honest mistake’ by the Bank of England sends the markets into turmoil and causes the pound to plunge on the foreign exchange markets. The outgoing Tory government declares a State of Emergency and puts the election result ‘on hold’ until ‘stability is restored’. Which just seems to take forever.
6. A mysterious letter is discovered, in which the head of the Russian FSB accepts Corbyn’s proposal that he be supplied with free potatoes and vodka in return for dropping all UK sanctions against Russia, plus handing over Bill Browder and the Skripals.
5. Trump declares war on Iran. Or possibly North Korea. Or possibly Canada. The outgoing Tory government declares a State of Emergency and forms a ‘National Government’ from which all alleged ‘conscientious objectors’ are excluded.
4. A suspected novichok attack on The Great British Bake Off causes the outgoing Tory government to declare a State of Emergency, etc, etc…
3. The Librarian at the House of Lords discovers an ancient parchment amendment to (the) Magna Carta which prohibits anyone called ‘Jeremy’ from coming within a hundred cubits of the Monarch. So Corbyn is dead out of luck, PM-wise.
2. Trump tweets that ‘millions of illegals’ voted for Corbyn and that ‘the greatest tariffs the world has ever seen’ will be levied on the UK if Corbyn is not disqualified. For the sake of the economy and just-about-managing voters, the post-Brexit outgoing Tory government has no choice but to reluctantly comply.
1. Between the Newsnight exit poll and the first result from Sunderland, the outgoing Tory administration, adopting a strategy used to great effect by US Republicans in North Carolina, transfers all the powers of the office of the Prime Minister to the hereditary members of the House of Lords. When Corbyn turns up for work at Number Ten, he finds that it has been converted into a Gentleman’s Club, and is refused admission on account of the dress code.
10. Austerity. This new party – let’s call it the Centre Right Action Party – won’t continue austerity in mindless perpetuity, like the Tories; or recklessly abandon it, like Labour. We’ll end it the moment the poor and the working class get the right idea and do as they’re told.
9. Health. We won’t sell off the NHS to Trump and his cronies, like the Tories; nor will we bring it fully back into so-called “public ownership” at enormous expense to higher-rate taxpayers, like Labour. Instead, we’ll take the sensible and pragmatic approach of having a quiet word in private with that nice Mr Branson.
8. Foreign Policy. We won’t turn a blind eye to suffering in Yemen, like the Tories; or attack British industry, like Labour. We’ll make sure that all munitions we sell to Saudi Arabia have a sticker that says “This bomb is helping to preserve British jobs.”
7. Housing. Unlike the Tories, we won’t ignore the homeless; and, unlike Labour, we won’t attack Middle Britain by undermining house prices. Instead, we’ll make sure that each homeless family is offered an affordable tent in a field that we’ll rent from Tory or Lib Dem farmers.
6. Education. We won’t force all students to pay extortionate amounts for their education, like the Tories; nor will we let taxes on wealth-creators soar, like Labour, so that any old so-and-so get can an education for nothing. We’ll see to it that only nice, middle-class kids get the subsidised education they deserve.
5. Immigration. Far from demonising and tormenting all non-rich immigrants, like the Tories; or operating a socialist-style open-door policy for anyone who wants to come here and pay taxes, like Labour, we’ll institute a fair and balanced points system in which each sector of society gets the immigrants it needs: nannies, gardeners and housekeepers for upper-class Tories; footballers for working-class Labour voters; au pairs for the Lib Dems and us; and so on.
4. Crime and Justice. Unlike the Tories, we won’t let our prisons decay into Dickensian hell-holes or run down the police until they’re mere night watchmen; nor will we pamper criminals with cushy “rehabilitation” schemes and books in their cells, or hand out legal aid as if it grew on trees, like Labour. Instead, we’ll tackle crime head on by reinstituting foot patrols in nice, middle-class areas and fencing off the dodgy, crimey bits.
3. The Economy. We’ll put an end to the Tories’ rent-seeking, low-wage, financialised, spiv economy, but, unlike Labour, we won’t waste time hopelessly trying to copy non-British countries like Germany, Denmark and Norway in creating a high-productivity, export-based economy with proper worker training and less inequality. Instead, we’ll focus on what Britain does best: costume dramas, cake contests and housing bubbles – after all, they make us feel good, don’t they? Oh, and military hardware.
2. Trump. The Centre Right Action Party abhors Trump and all he stands for and, unlike the Tories, we’ll never suck up to him. However, we don’t want to insult him all the time, like Labour, because he can get a bit nasty. Once we are in government, however, we will respond to each new Trumpian outrage with a stern “Tsk!”, followed by “Please don’t hurt us.”
1. Brexit. Unlike the Tories, who hate everything to do with the EU – or Labour, who want some kind of People’s Socialist Federation of Europe* – our policy is entirely in tune with the views of the British people: we are going to leave, but not really; there will be a Brexit-in-name-only, but it will be a real Brexit; nothing will change with respect to our status as EU members, but we will not be EU members; we will keep the negotiations going interminably until everyone forgets about them, and then we will quietly drop the whole idea. (This is our best policy of all.)
(*The members, not the leadership, obviously.)
10. ‘Show me your papers!’ Yes, memorise that phrase! If you’re out and about – on your way to Gregg’s say, or Iceland – and you see someone who doesn’t look like they ought to be here, rush up to them and utter those words as sternly as you can. If they look frightened and run away, pat yourself on the back. If they don’t, call the free Home Office Hotline on 0-800-STASI.
9. Stay informed. Keep up to date on who’s welcome in Britain and who’s not by reading the Express, the Mail or the Telegraph. From time to time, you may hear on the BBC that ‘mistakes were made’ or that ‘too much emphasis was put on policy’. You can ignore all that.
8. Organise. Show some community spirit and set up a neighbourhood watch! Every group that catches at least one illegal immigrant will win ‘Make Britain Great Again’ baseball hats for everyone in the group. The group that catches the most will be presented with a special trophy at the Tory Party conference. And remember – if there’s any violence, you can always say you thought they were a burglar.
7. Vote. Don’t bother voting for UKIP any more – the Tories have adopted all their best policies! And remember, Labour only hate the Jews – not the people you’re worried about.
6. Passports. Make sure you apply for your new blue passport as soon as possible. If you still have an old EU one after Brexit, you’ll be classified as a Remainer and will be subject to deportation to Belgium.
5. Children. What if you know someone who doesn’t look very British, but still seems to have all their paperwork in order? Well, think laterally! Do they have children? Do THEY have all the right documents? Get creative!
4. Money. Thanks to EU spite and sabotage, money could be tight after Brexit. But detention centres don’t grow on trees! Consider organising a sponsored run through areas where there are lots of immigrants. Make some noise! Think about carrying flaming torches. You never know who you might flush out. Or find an empty field in Lincolnshire and set up your own concentration camp!
3. Jobs. Somewhere, somehow, there’s a migrant, or someone who doesn’t seem at all British, who has a better job than you. Is that fair? Your mission is to replace them. Who dares wins!
2. Culture. Thanks to Labour, the EU, and political correctness, our culture has been far too welcoming. What’s wrong with traditional British culture, anyway? Write to the TV companies and demand that they immediately start reruns of ‘Love Thy Neighbour’, ‘It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum!’ and ‘The Black-and-White Minstrel Show’.
1. Patriotism. Theresa May needs your help in facing down the Citizens of Nowhere. As you know, they are the ones to blame for everything you don’t like. Now, no one’s saying we need to turn Britain into Nazi Germany – well, not yet, anyway! – but that doesn’t mean that if you see someone reading the Financial Times or The Guardian you shouldn’t give them a dirty look. And as for the New European… Well, enough said. And where’s the harm in asking someone where they’re from if they don’t look British? You’re just taking a friendly, patriotic interest. Remember, the Prime Minister’s goal is to create a Hostile Environment that we can all feel at home in. But that doesn’t mean that being patriotic can’t also be fun! So long as you’re really British, of course.
Nnarghh! The Conservative Party seems to have devolved into a particularly awful End of the Pier Show. In fact, here are the…
Top Ten Tory End-of-the-Pier Acts:
10. Ventriloquism with Gavin ‘Stupid Boy’ Williamson and his talking spider, Cronus. You can’t see his lips move, except when he’s campaigning for the leadership! Listen with awe and hilarity as Cronus threatens Russia with nukes! Most popular catch-phrase: ‘Shut up and go away!’
9. Character-Comedy Monologues with Jacob ‘The Country Squire You Love to Hate’ Rees-Mogg. Best-loved character: the Member for the Eighteenth Century, with his hilarious pre-Enlightenment views! Tory policy may be a bit of a wasteland, but never mind – he do the police in different voices!
8. Conjuring and Sleight of Hand with Boris ‘Alexander de Bottle’ Johnson. Now you see it, now you don’t! Just like the £350m! Don’t lend him your watch, you’ll never get it back! Favourite trick: sawing Theresa May in half and putting her back together! Second favourite trick: responding ‘robustly’ to Russia. Brilliant at escapology (excluding Iran)! No, don’t boo, he’ll run away!
7. Flying Trapeze Artist, John ‘When Your Back’s to the Wall, Turn Around and Fight’ Major. It’s true that he ran away from the circus to become an accountant, but now he’s back in the ring, swinging high above those Brexit clowns, the Famous Bastard Brothers, and dumping you-know-what on them!
6. Old-Fashioned East End Pugilism with David ‘Fight of the Summer’ Davis. A battle-scarred prize fighter with absolutely no notches on his belt, he’ll go six rounds with all comers! With no preparation whatsoever! And with the predictable results!
5. Mind Reading, Frightful Apparitions and Occult Visions with Phil ‘The Undertaker’ Hammond and his crystal ball. He knows the future! And he knows what you’re thinking! Yes, this Brexit thing is going to end very badly! But do not despair – with his spells and incantations, and a bit of help from the global economy, we might not be totally doomed!
4. Tall Tales from Exotic Lands, illustrated via Magic Lantern, with Intrepid Explorer Liam ‘I’ll Be Needing Two Seats’ Fox. Thrill to stories from the far reaches of the Empire; of gold, jewels and ivory – just there for the taking; and of bizarre and mysterious potentates, such as the Mighty Trump of the West and the Meddlesome Vlad of the East! You’ll believe in two-headed flying camels! And trade deals that can replace the EU!
3. Knife Throwing with David ‘I Think I’ll Be Good at It’ Cameron, and his glamorous international assistant George ‘Gizza Job’ Osborne. Every time he hits the spinning target without impaling George, a Russian oligarch donates £100k to the Tory Party! Hurrah! And such confidence – he can even do it blindfolded! What could go wrong? Oops…
2. What the Butler Saw, with Raffish Old-School Raconteur Damien ‘PornHub’ Green. Ooh-la-la! Is it really like that in Downing Street, or is it more like the Joe Orton play?
1. Musical Hall Artiste of Yesteryear and Songbird-in-a-Gilded-Cage, Theresa ‘Maybe It’s Because I’m a Blunderer’ May. Chaste and aloof, the Ice Princess all the way from Maidenhead! No innuendo, no smut, no smile, no dancing nor flash of ankle, and no idea what she’s singing about. Just the leopard-print shoes and her unchanging catalogue of timeless and well-worn standards: ‘Nothing Has Changed’, ‘Let Me Be Clear’, ‘Brexit Means Brexit’, ‘A Britain That Works for Everyone’, ‘Just About Managing’, ‘The People Have Spoken’, and so on and on and on…
10. Farage Gas. Produces blindness, headaches, crippling attacks of jingoism and an aversion to public transport. Now banned everywhere except the US, Russia and the BBC, although for many years it was unwittingly subsidised by the EU.
9. Johnsonium. Highly radioactive and easily dispersed via TV and print media, Johnsonium decays into different isotopes depending on which way the fallout from the Tory leadership fight is blowing.
8. Cameranthrax. Spread by spores typically incubated in a hot, steamy right-wing environment. Causes nausea, vomiting and verbal diarrhoea, mostly on account of the way the host organism walks away without suffering any personal ill effects whatsoever.
7. Govichuk. A mere trace of this nerve agent is enough to kill off any Tory leadership campaign.
6. Thatcherium. An extremely toxic element, originally synthesised in the US, with a very long half-life. Because of the way it interferes with the DNA of all public life, it is all but impossible to eradicate, once contamination has occurred. Will explode violently if brought into contact with trade unionism or civilised values.
5. Botulinum Europhobia. Produces foaming at the mouth, double standards, hot-headedness, flashbacks, and an irrational fear of foreigners. The only known cure is a diet consisting of nothing but British haddock (or kippers).
4. Turkish Flu. Resistant to all known antibiotics or facts, this highly contagious flu virus causes lurid hallucinations – typically of hordes of migrants crossing the English Channel – followed by severe amnesia.
3. NHVX. This agent destroys a health system by constricting the flow of vital funding. Side effects include exhaustion, despondency, poverty and death.
2. Austerium. Experiments, theory and history have all shown conclusively that the effects of this substance on 99% of the population are entirely harmful and destructive. However, for some reason, research continues to be funded.
1. Maydon. A colourless, odourless, radioactive gas that occurs naturally under certain geological conditions – such as strata of extreme inequality or deposits of Tory schist. In sufficient concentrations in confined spaces – such as the corridors of Westminster – it induces paralysis and narcolepsy, along with acute feelings of inadequacy, persecution and fatalism. Death comes slowly and painfully, although the body may appear to function long after the brain has putrefied.
10. Allotments. Subversives like Corbyn like to use ‘allotments’ to avoid surveillance. In the somewhat unlikely event that you know of someone with an allotment – they’re usually lower-class and may live in a ‘council’ house – make sure to plant a bug in their shed (see Reader Offer below) and send us your recordings.
9. Horses. When Corbyn stages his coup, by ‘getting the most votes’, we’ll need to mobilise. The Reds will act fast to take control of the CCTV and ANPR networks, so we’ll need to avoid motorised transport. Get in touch with your local hunt and make arrangements. Ex-police horses are usually best.
8. Guns. We’re talking to Trump’s people about this. You normally need to be 18 to get an AR-15, but Trump may waive the rules in the face of the Corbynite threat.
7. Fashion. Even counter-revolutionaries need to look their best as they man (or woman!) the barricades. Do look at our special feature on what the Country Set are wearing to defy Corbyn.
6. Media. We’ll be just fine with Sky and the BBC (and the papers, of course!), but Channel Four could be a problem. Get on to Ofcom and help us get Jon Snow, Michael Crick and the other trouble-makers moved up North, which is where we’ll send all the subversives once democracy is restored.
5. Money. Betting against Corbyn is the best investment you can make (after Buy-to-Let, water company shares and offshore), so send us your cash and we’ll invest it for you in our anti-Corbyn hedge fund (managed by Anthony ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci). Bitcoin gleefully accepted!
4. Russia. Some of you may still believe that Russia is ‘communist’. But we’ve had a word with Steve Bannon, and it turns out that Vladimir Putin is actually a traditional-values conservative. Yes, it’s true! What’s more, he’s very keen on Brexit and he’s told all his ‘oligarch’ friends to donate to the Tory Party! So keep the back door unlocked, if you know what we’re saying. After all, what’s a bit of nerve agent between friends?
3. The EU. Corbyn poses as a ‘Eurosceptic’, but he hates Britain, so it stands to reason that he must be in league with Brussels. We’ll need to guard against invasion. Gavin Williamson, Liam Fox and Jacob Rees-Mogg will be organising a Dad’s Army-style guerrilla outfit. Contact your local golf club for details.
2. The Royal Family. Obviously, the Royals will be one of Corbyn’s first targets. We will need to hide them until the fuss blows over. If you have a spare castle, moated estate or manor house, please get in touch.
1. Democracy. After the Corbyn threat is despatched, we’ll need to restore democracy in accordance with the Brexit vote. If you fancy a seat in the reformed House of Commons, it’s not too soon to be thinking about your donation. Remember, democracy is just like the property market – you get what you pay for, the south east is way more expensive than the rest, and you can look forward to handing on your assets, tax-free, to your children. On with the revolution!