Fawlty MP

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Nanny State

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Nothingburger

History looks down at 900 small hamburgers and one big, fat nothing-burger.

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Brexit = Camelot

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Don’t Upset the Nazis

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Empire is Coming.

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Political Leadership

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Happy New Year

2019 could be interesting.
Presumably, the people in charge know what they’re doing.

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Top Ten Super Fun Brexit Scenarios

 Scenario 1: Poisoned Chalice, Take One

Parliament votes down Theresa May’s “deal”, then narrowly approves a second referendum.

Remain wins the second referendum by a tiny margin.

May steps down.

The Tories hold a leadership election. Tory party members pick a hard Brexiter.

The new, hard-Brexit Tory government declares that the second referendum result is invalid because (a) there wasn’t a “no-deal” option; and (b) fewer people voted Remain in the second referendum than voted Leave in the first; and (c) lots of other bogus reasons.

The Conservative Party splits.

The new hard-Brexit Tory government loses a no-confidence vote.

Labour wins the ensuing general election, promising to “respect the results” of BOTH referendums.

The new Labour government takes office.

It then discovers that it can’t agree what to do.

And the Article 50 clock is still ticking.

Scenario 2: Poisoned Chalice, Take Two

Parliament votes down Theresa May’s “deal”, then approves a second referendum.

Remain wins the second referendum by a large margin.

May steps down.

The Tories hold a leadership election. Tory party members pick a hard Brexiter.

The Conservative Party splits.

The new hard-Brexit Tory government loses a no-confidence vote.

With the assistance of the Putin-Facebook-Trump axis, as well as the newspapers, the BBC and the Corbyn-fearing establishment, the new-look, far-right Conservative Party wins a landslide.

And finds itself in charge of implementing the Will of the People – to stay in the EU.

Scenario 3: Yellow Vests

Parliament votes down all the options that anyone can think of.

Article 50 expires; the UK crashes out of the EU without a withdrawal agreement.

Almost immediately there are shortages of food, medicines – and fuel.

A populist, French-style “Gilet Jaunes” protest movement erupts.

But there aren’t enough yellow vests to go around – they all have to be imported from France.

Under pressure from angry populist mobs, Theresa May is forced to apply for emergency readmission to the EU in order to get vest imports moving again.

Scenario 4: Abdication Crisis

Taking her constitutional duty seriously during a time of political crisis, the Queen phones the Beeb and says she wants to address her subjects.

The Beeb instantly gives her a slot just before Strictly (or Countryfile or whatever).

The nation tunes in. “Good evening,” says her Majesty. She probably has a corgi on her lap, but it’s not essential. “One has gorn orff Brexit. That is all.” The dog – if there is one – says “arf”.

Politicians – all except for the hardest of the hard Brexiters – fall over themselves to agree that yes,  they too have gone off Brexit, and that the Queen, naturally, is channelling the Will of the People.

So Parliament cancels Brexit.

The Brexiters, and certain newspapers which hitherto were staunchly Royalist, denounce the Queen as an Enemy of the People.

Social media instantly fills with Royal kompromat.

The Queen steps down in disgust. Charles takes over. Vast sums of money are spent on a coronation meant to ‘cheer up the nation’.

The kompromat keeps coming.

Charles abdicates and flees to Botswana.

The Brexiters declare that Oliver Cromwell was right after all and seize Parliament.

Civil war ensues.

Scenario 5: The Iraq Option

Tory hard-Brexiters bring down their own government in a no-confidence vote.

A general election is scheduled.

Before the vote takes place, however, John Bolton and Mike Pompeo arrange for Boris Johnson to address the UN Security Council.

Johnson presents incontrovertible evidence that Jeremy Corbyn has built up a secret stockpile of WMD – provided by Iran and Venezuela. Johnson pleads for US assistance in facilitating “a new birth of freedom”.

Trump immediately sends US military “advisors” and “peace-keepers” to the UK, in a mission called “Operation Enduring Brexit”.

A “Provisional Wing” of Momentum is formed.

Trump appoints Steve Bannon as Viceroy of the new UK “Coalition Provisional Authority”, to Johnson’s disappointment.

Tunbridge Wells becomes the new Falluja.

Scenario 6: London Secedes

Theresa May actually wins the meaningful vote on her deal, through some mysterious means that baffles historians for decades to come.

Giddy with vindication and hubris, she reverts to type and plays her hits, denouncing “citizens of nowhere”,  “cosmopolitans” and “multi-culturalists”, and promising to deport anyone who looks “too foreign”.

A list of potential deportees is leaked to The Guardian.

Finding himself on the list, London Mayor Sadiq Khan, to great popular acclaim in the metropolis, declares London to be an independent city state within the EU. Kind of like San Marino, only bigger.

The M25 becomes an international border.

Gun boats patrol the Thames to keep vital sea routes open and guard against Brexiter saboteurs and pirates.

Passport and customs checks begin at South Mimms.

Scenario 7: Global Britain

The hard Brexiters depose Theresa May and take charge.

Parliament votes against a “no-deal” Brexit, but the new PM, Jacob Rees-Mogg, invokes a clause in an obscure treaty from the 12th century that rules that Parliament can only debate in Latin.

While MPs struggle to learn Latin, Article 50 expires and the UK crashes out of the EU without a withdrawal agreement.

The new government abolishes all tariffs and all regulations affecting businesses, workers and capital, as well as nearly all government departments.

Too general amazement, investment pours in from across the world and Britain becomes the “Singapore of Europe”.

But then a SARS-type virus – later traced to a contaminated shipment of dollars from Panama – slips into the country.

And, because there is no longer an NHS, or a Department of Health, everyone dies.

Scenario 8: Ireland’s Revenge

Theresa May wins the meaningful vote (see Scenario 6).

But negotiations with the EU during the “implementation period” go nowhere, and the “Irish Backstop” takes effect.

Anti-Irish agitation in the Brexity north of England provokes a pro-Irish backlash in the southeast.

Violence breaks out and escalates.

The southeast pleads for Irish assistance.

Irish peace-keeping troops arrive as part of a UN-mandated mission.

A popular plebiscite in the southeast is held.

The southeast votes to become part of Ireland.

The counties of the north form the province of “Northern England”, which becomes a poverty-stricken US Territory, like Puerto Rico.

Scenario 9: It Was All A Dream

David Cameron wakes up in a cold sweat inside his luxury shepherd’s hut to discover, to his surprise, that it is 2018 and he is still Prime Minister.

“Phew,” he thinks, “thank God it was just a nightmare!”

But then he picks up the Daily Telegraph and reads that Tory hardliners are plotting to remove him and UKIP is stealing Tory voters.

“Why won’t they stop banging on about Europe, like I told them to!” he fumes.

Then he reflects for a moment and decides that, for the sake of the Conservative Party, he must sacrifice himself and go ahead with the referendum.

Scenario 10: Zombie Apocalypse

Despite the urgent warnings of Theresa May, the Conservative newspapers, the BBC and establishment commentators that it will unleash “dark forces”, a second referendum is held.

Remain wins.

Dogs begin to howl. Cats hide under the furniture.

The spectre of Enoch Powell flits across the landscape.

David Cameron takes a sudden, unplanned holiday in the Maldives.

Deceased Leave voters rise from the dead.

The Zombie Apocalypse commences.

 

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Theresa May’s Brexit Letter to the Nation (Corrected)

When I became your prime minister got the job of PM because Gove stabbed Boris and Leadsom bottled it, the United Kingdom had just voted to leave the European Union been subjected to a Russian-backed onslaught of lies and bigotry.

From my first day in the job, I knew I had a clear desperate mission before me – a duty to fulfil on your behalf save the conservative Party: to honour exploit the result of the referendum and secure a brighter power-grabbing future for our country Party by negotiating blackmailing and weaselling a good any old kind of Brexit deal with out of the EU.

Throughout the long deceitful and complex incompetent negotiations that have taken place over the last year and a half, I have never lost sight of that duty holding on to power.

Today, I am in Brussels with the firm obstinate and pig-headed intention of agreeing swallowing a whatever Brexit deal with the leaders of the other 27 EU nations will give me.

It will be a deal that is in our national Party’s interest – one that works for our whole country class and all of our people donors, whether you plebs voted ‘Leave’ or ‘Remain’.

It will honour fetishize the result of the referendum – whose result would be very different today, I dare say!

We will take back control of our borders lobsters, by putting an end to the free movement of people fish once and for all.

Instead of an immigration system based on where a person comes from getting along with our neighbours, we will build one based on the skills and talents how much money a person has to offer.

We will take back control of our money, by putting an end to vast annual payments to holidays in the EU.

Instead, we will be able to spend British taxpayers’ more and more borrowed money on our own priorities, like the extra £394 million per week that we are investing in our long-term plan for the NHS hand-outs to rich people.

And we will take back control of our laws, by ending the jurisdiction of the European Court of Justice all voting in the UK.

In future, our laws will be made, interpreted and enforced by our own courts and legislatures English Nationalist sharia-style panels.

We will be out of EU programmes that do not work in our interests: out of the Common Agricultural Policy Galileo satellite programme that has failed our farmers 4×4 drivers, and out of the Common Fisheries Policy Erasmus student exchange programme that has failed our coastal communities freshers’ discos.

Instead, we will be able to design a system of agricultural support bungs that works for us Tory farmers, and we will be an independent coastal economically-underwater state once again, with full partial control over our waters bladders.

The deal also protects the things we Tories value.

EU citizens who have built their lives in the United Kingdom will have their rights protected are on their own, as will be UK citizens living elsewhere in the EU.

A free 1930s-style protected trade area will allow goods to flow easily with great difficulty across our borders, protecting the many skilled jobs right customs bureaucrats across the country that rely on we didn’t need when we had integrated supply-chains.

Because our European friends will always be our allies in the fight against susceptible to bullying by us on terrorism and organised crime, the deal will ensure that security co-operation will continue, so we can keep our people safe get a free ride.

As prime minister of the United Kingdom, I have from day one been determined to deliver bodge together a Brexit deal that works for every part of our country keeps Jeremy Corbyn out of Number Ten – for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, for our Overseas Territories like Gibraltar, and also for the Crown Dependencies no, actually just for England.

This deal will do that put the fix in.

Crucially, it will protect the integrity of our United Kingdom trap the whingeing Scots and ensure that there will be no hard border an acceptable level of violence between Northern Ireland and Ireland – so people English Tories like us can live their lives as they do now.

It is a deal for a brighter an authoritarian future, which enables us to seize the opportunities populist levers of power that lie ahead.

Outside the EU, we will be able to sign new trade deals with other countries hand ourselves over to Trump and open up new markets in fall further and further behind the fastest-growing economies around the world.

With Brexit settled forced through at gunpoint if necessary, we will be able to focus our energies on the many other important issues facing us here at home: keeping our economy austerity strong, and making sure every community shares in prosperity poverty; securing privatising our NHS for the future, giving every child rich kid a great start in life, and building the homes Rachman-style slums that families Tory landlords need; tackling the burning injustices that hold too many people Old Etonians back, and building a country for the future that truly works for everyone the new Tory rentier class.

On 29 March next year, the United Kingdom will leave the European Union.

We will then begin a new chapter in our national life decline. I want that to be a moment of renewal desolation and reconciliation capitulation for our whole country.

It must mark the point when we put aside pretend that the labels lies of ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ for good are all forgotten and we come together again as one people under Farage.

To do that, we need to get on with bow down before Brexit now by getting behind utterly crushed by this deal.

Parliament will have the chance to do that itself in in a few weeks’ time when it has a meaningful an ultimately meaningless vote on the deal I hope to strike slink away with today.

I will be campaigning with my heart and soul whatever empathy I can fake to win steamroller that vote and to deliver impose this Brexit deal, for the good of our United Kingdom English Nationalist Conservative Party and all of our people Little Englanders.

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Novelist / Writer of Satirical Political Thrillers